A Note..

I haven't really stopped running around since I got done with finals. Maybe vacation'll kick in soon. I'm picking up some more hours at the preschool while on break and trying to get around to doing a million things. Primary stuff, School stuff, bleh...anyway... Among other things, I've been contemplating the year that's passed. To be brief, It sucked. That's all there is to it. Boy, I'm glad it's almost over. Don't worry, though. I intend on kicking some serious trash next year. It's a work in progress, though. Hence, Operation Existence.
To be clear, though, this is not a new year's resolution. This is a normal resolution. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. For a lot of reasons... The failure rate, the arbitrary nature of it....I mean, ideally, you should be resolving to change and evolve and get better all the time. Also, this time of year doesn't exactly inspire self improvement for me. It's more of a world improvement time. The summer is when I really get going. Arizona girl, anyone? :P
Time of year note: One thing I love about the Arizona cold is that it really gives me the opportunity to appreciate Sunshine. Nothing feels quite like stepping into Arizona sunshine on a cold day. :)

This Week....Choir, Finals, Jury, Guadalupe

I spent upwards of 8 hours on choir on Monday starting with rehearsal....more rehearsal (of the dress kind) out in way too far away....some more rehearsal....and then the concert. I didn't get home till 11. Which was great for the papers I needed to write. :/

I wasn't a happy camper for most of it, but there were some lovely highlights. Firstly, hot chocolate. :) Also, it was raining all day and freezing, which was a lovely change of pace...although I'm getting a little tired of it being cold everywhere now....(that's neither here nor there) And most notably, singing the Hallelujah Chorus. I've sung it a gubillion times with family and in various performances over the years, but every time when that music starts and everyone stands up, I can't help but get choked up. It's awesome.

So, now it's finals week. All my remaining finals are on Tuesday...which is weird. It'll be a busy day. I've still got some memorizing to finish up. I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, actually. So...new subject..

The rest of the week will be pretty busy with rehearsal and performances of GUADALUPE: Our Lady of the Roses. A concert Opera by one of the composition professors at ASU. I'm in the Chorus.

It's a really beautiful work. The subject matter is a little weird to me, though. I mean, the virgin Mary is cool and all, but not nearly worship as the mother of God cool. Y'know?
But it's an interesting historical/religious drama and it's really gorgeous.

If you can come out and have some money to spend on Opera, we're doing two performances at the Phoenix Art Museum Friday and Sunday at 7:30PM. Tickets are $25 general admission and $15 student tickets.

http://www.guadalupecelebration.org/

...Of Late...

Life has been crazy lately.

The Roadshow is DONE. Phewff. I wont try to describe the relief. The kids did great! We were completely robbed of the awards we deserved, though. Alas! It was way rough...I was soo soo sick the week and a half preceding it (and during...and for awhile after) so I felt useless for a lot of it. I tried my best. I got yelled at a couple times. Not fun. I'm just glad it's done. I couldn't have done it without my cousin John. He wrote all our music. ORIGINAL music, mind you...which is something no one else in the stake had...and that was not recognized at all. John's a genius, though. The music was and is awesome.

I don't think I could survive something like that again, though.

Life goes on....

I've got a huge group project presentation on Tuesday, I've got tons of absences to take care of from being sick, Lots of stuff to do for Primary (for those who don't know,I'm in the primary presidency in the branch...fyi), and I've got about two weeks to memorize 12 pieces for my double jury coming up....but I've got to get well to do that.

In other news, I've been re-connecting with some old friends, which is nice. A little unexpected, but it's good. I just had some moping milkshakes and cookies with a friend. Yes, moping milkshakes and cookies. It was a little delayed, but we needed it from previous individual unpleasant encounters. Mine being, quite obviously, the engagement being called off.

It's been a really interesting experience-the aftermath.
There are some friends who said we'd talk or that we'd go do something to make me feel better or whatever....and there are friends who did do something. Whether they helped me polish off ice-cream...or pizookie...or cheesecake...or became my new IHOP buddy, or just called and listened. It's just really telling of who your real friends are....So I'm trying to value those friends more highly than I used to. It's good to know they're still there.

Also, I'm prioritizing my life again, so if I seem different it's for a reason.

Old News

It hasn't gotten much better. Forward motion is a little easier, but not much. Right when I think I'm feeling better something figurative and forceful smacks me in the face. I don't want to be sad anymore.....but it gets to me.
I know it's old news now to everyone but me. That bothers me sometimes-Just the insignificance of all of it to everyone. It meant so much to me....but no one else...not even Sam.



"Do I feel sadness?
Do I feel shame?
I'd cover my face now, but all of me has turned to stone
Except one thing
I can't control
Watch it slowly roll down my face
Across my lips-
The lips you loved
Well, stupid me for thinking
I was the only one you ever needed."

Where I am...

I feel like doing something rash. The world just isn't going fast enough for me right now. I'd like to skip over this scene and get to where I feel like my life will begin. My life is right here, right now...but I'm not. I don't know where I am, but I'm definitely not here.

Therapy

I would really like the time and resources to just go and get out of this for a while. I need time-and I don't have it. I need space-and there isn't any. I need friends that aren't quite there. I'm tired of being sad...and I'd really like to stop...but it's easier said than done. I want to climb mountains and go nowhere fast and live with my pain and think. I'd like to wonder if it goes away or if it really just starts to blend into the rest of me.

I don't know how to get over this. I keep getting these ideas that I think for a moment will just make it instantly all better. They wont, of course...but the thoughts are perpetuating the possibility of anything happening in the future...which is something I wasn't sure of...but it's ridiculous. Things like going to IKEA for no reason and riding trains for no reason and eating the world's supply of ice-cream or running till I puke and listening to every song that ever made me happy or sad.

I get these really weird feelings now that aren't quite sad....grief maybe..I feel suddenly sick...and truly can't distinguish which part of me to worry about. ....I walk around ASU with a panicked fearful feeling...and I don't know what I'm afraid of...and I don't know how to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm doing isn't working.

I'm trying so hard. I'm being good, but never good enough, it seems. I'm poring over my scriptures and marking like a mad-woman and praying and not understanding anything. I was given inspiration. I trusted it. It was right and I knew it... so what happened? That's the great question. Sam's the only one who knows...and he's never going to tell me. How could this turn out so badly? I will never understand it.

There were too many things about us...Sometimes it felt like the spirit was screaming, "This is IT!" ...that he was the ONE. I'm still convinced of that-of how it should have been, I mean. That's obviously not the case anymore...but there was so much truth in it. God is no liar...but what could have happened to make those things all lies? I hate not knowing.

I will never understand it.









"I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I'd need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much, yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me.

Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that's what I let it do.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused 'cause I spend my solitude with you.

Gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

'cause this is my therapy, 'cause you're the only one that's listening to me.

This is my therapy, just call it what it is and what we were with a death grip on this life that's in transition. This is my therapy 'cause you won't hear me out and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me."

I think I'd like my soul back (name that song/artist)

So...Operation Existence is failing miserably right now. I can't seem to pick myself up off the floor this time. Probably because part of me doesn't want to...or just doesn't see the point in ever getting up again.

I know I'm ridiculous. I know this is the part where I'm supposed to decide that I'm better off without him and that my life has just begun....But I just don't believe that. I wish I could.

In a matter of four weeks all the empty places in me were filled up with everything I'd ever wanted. And until now, I didn't really realize those empty places were there at all...but they're back. And now I wish I didn't have to know just how empty I always was.




I want my other half back.

Music for Missing

I've been doing too much thinking for my own good... This thinking is usually accompanied by music. These two songs have been following my thoughts around a lot. The first one has lyrics on the video...which I hate...so don't watch it. Just listen. It's better that way.



For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke, it cleared, and to my disbelief
There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me


I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining?

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...




I'm letting go
To see if you'll hold on to me
I'm in doubt
Of what is thought and what is real

In our room
Between the shapes I thought I knew
A guillotine
A pillow with feathers like snow

I've come
To a listening post beyond your lines
I'm all ears
To gather clues and look for signs

But I can't hear
The song you sing while you try to soothe
Why are you whispering
While the bombs are falling?

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

Hello again
I buried you, where have you been?
My renegade
You came back from the labyrinth

Unlike me
You've looked for things that could be found
And the thread
That guides through black times

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

When thoughts
Had outnumbered spoken words
In the early hours
We failed to establish
Who was hurt
Most

Anxiously UnEngaged

September 25th, I met Sam. Our first date was one week later-October 2nd. We were engaged 10 days later. And about ten hours ago he informed me that we are not at all right for each other and that he doesn't really believe we have a connection...

and there it ended.

What can I say? .....I'm completely crushed.
I didn't think I could get hurt any worse than I've already been.

.....I stand corrected.

I'm so tired of building my life only to get it torn down.

I don't want advice. I don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I don't really feel like existing right now. I don't feel like anything right now. I don't want to be or do anything. I see very little merit in anything, despite my logical brain's insistence that some things are still okay.

I realize just how depressed and depressing this sounds. That is with very good reason...because I am very very depressed. Once again....collapsing on myself like a dying star.


I don't know if I could survive another one of these.




...That's what I say every time. ...but somehow I survive long enough for someone better to show up and more effectively break my heart. The more amazing they are, the more efficient they get at that. I wish I could just call them jerks...but few really are...most are just poor fools like me. They irk me and make me cry...and I love them and pity them.



What a horrible day.


...and to clarify....this rant requires no comments....but I wouldn't remove your right to give them freely, if you so desire.

Something I Know

Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it shouldn't be better.

Choir

Imagine being in a choir where there's no director, there are no tenors (yet the tenor section is always strong), you never need to plan dynamics or phrasing because everyone has this sort of mysterious psychic link between them that makes those things instinctive and beautifully unified, aaaaand this choir has the perfect blend due to their almost visceral and immediate reactions and/or anticipations to each others singing...and they just have killer instruments for that. Wouldn't it be great to sing with a group like that?....Well.....Welcome To My Family. :)

Surprise!

I find that if you stuff unpleasant thoughts or feelings far enough back in your mind or low enough in the pit of your stomach you forget about them for a good time. It's like they were never there....But they're quite finicky and can be unearthed suddenly, and by the most random of things. I had an experience like that on Saturday night. It was truly surprising. I really had no idea I felt so strongly about that thing still. ...anyhoo....
I'm just glad the only person who saw it was Barbara. (Sorry for being such a mess on Saturday, Barbara!)
Life is (still) good. That's all.

INVALID

Once upon a time, a computer popped up with a box that told my dear friend Aubrey whatever she was trying to do was "invalid". She piped back at the computer,"YOU're invalid!" I love Aubrey. She is a genius.

That is beside the point....but not really.

I find myself in a little conundrum. A conundrum that can be summarized, albeit brusquely, in this way:
I'm an attention whore, but I don't want to be.
By virtue of my birth order, I am especially prone to neediness in this area. I don't wish to be a grumpy, whiney, or an otherwise unagreeable nuisance, but that's what I slip into sometimes. I long to be the kind of self-sufficient, confident person who doesn't need anyone telling them how wonderful they are all the time.

In my lessons, my voice teacher and I refer to a set of little men of varying colors with different purposes. Some that ought to be banished and others I could use some more visits from. They are The Green Man, The Yellow Man, and (this one's still up for discussion) the Pink/Purple Man. The Green Man calls your attention to all your faults, every error you commit, etc. The yellow man is a herald of distractions and anti-productivity. The Pink/Purple Man is the guy who just hangs out and strokes your ego, whispering "You're fabulous!" and things of the like.
I am never without my Green Man...and I'm hardly seen without my Yellow Man...but my Pink/Purple Man is most often absent.

And this leaves me craving praise. Craving validation. And validation is a good thing, but I'd like to be a little more efficient when it comes to regulating and validating my own actions, and myself as a whole...so that I don't end up hailing from planet "look at me! look at me!" Because that's annoying. ..And it's not me. Or at least it's not the me I know I can and should be.

When I was nearing the end of my high school career I heard some gossip from a friend of mine. She informed me that one of our choir mates had told her how much he hated me because of how egotistical and conceited I was. Which really confused me...because anyone who knew me knows that I was the kind of person who struggled with self confidence and was very acutely aware of how much better everyone else was than her....So much so that it verged on fiction. That person he was talking about was clearly not me. I was coaxed into singing at first. I really had no idea I was any good at it at all....Until people repeatedly told me so. So when that gossip reached my ears it was crazy to me. How could anyone think I thought myself better or more talented than them?

Oddly enough, I find myself in a choir once more with him. I wonder what he will learn about me this time around...

Point being...I don't do so well with self building. I need to be a humble self validator. So until further notice, I'll be working on that....and maybe suppressing some attention cravings.

One of many...

A song I love:


Time to leave this town
now your dreams have all let you down,
No one here will miss you now,
Time to wake up and look around.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Turn away and turn a head,
just a hopeless dreamer she said,
Eyes of cloud and feet of lead,
find a shore that needs you instead.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Time on your hands,
world at your feet,
no adventure left incomplete.

Find a place where you can hide
from the love that holds you inside,
time's so unkind,
like an old friend leaves you behind.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Time on your hands...

Brasil, Portuguese, Bossa Nova: The EX editions.

Some musings on some parts of the past I'm not quite "over" yet....

I've been wanting to watch Deus É Brasileiro for some time now, but I just haven't had the heart. I watched it only once before, while I was with Paul...Sad thing about making your Brazilian boyfriend your Brazilian EX-boyfriend is that you long for someone to watch and do Brazilian things with...but that ship's sailed...and anything else is a replacement. I guess you have to learn to appreciate some things alone. :(
It's a good thing I didn't really get into Bossa Nova a ton while I was with Paul or it would make me sad too. It makes me think, yes.....but it's not a purely Paul thing. My mom started to worry that my foray into Bossa Nova was a sign I wanted him back. .....No. It's not that. Thankfully, it has a distinguished place apart from him. I can't say the same for some other things....It's sad. I really did want to learn Portuguese someday...but now, for me, it's a language connected to a very specific set of feelings I'm not quite ready to face right now. Who's ever had to get over GRAMMAR after a break up?! Ridiculous, right? But that's the reality of it....So it'll have to wait... Although I'm not sure it'll ever be a neutral subject to me, emotionally.

I think I'm kind of lonely

 just an observation..and a quote to go with it.

"You seem embarrassed by loneliness-by being alone.
It’s only a place to start."


Previous quote and source:
"This is going to be the best thing we've ever seen."
Must Have Done Something Right-Relient K
(Five Score and Seven Years Ago)

And speaking of quotes...make your guesses and they'll keep
coming as they pertain to my life.
Like this next one.

"Moles and trolls. Moles and trolls. Work, work, work, work, work! We
never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they
want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm
depressed. There was what? No one at the mutant hamster races. We had
one entry for the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was
disqualified later. Why do I bother?"

These ones should be really easy for a lot of you so make a guess
so I don't have to think,"Why do I bother?"

It's quotey quote time?!

Did anyone catch where that last post's title came from? If you did, you win....the parade...ALL of it in fact. With that said, I've decided to start quoting more....both in blog and in real life ...Because I LOVE quotes...and lyrics...and ALL sorts of awesome of that nature. (Also because I'm not really eloquent AT ALL by myself.) So who wants to play "Guess that quote!"?

"This is going to be the best thing we've ever seen" :P

I'm working on something. It's one of a million projects I've got going. For all intents and purposes it's just a mix CD. ..But one that's very close to my heart. It's going to be a mix of the songs and artists that have saved my life...with accompanying annotated lyrics. So yeah...that's that.

Dear Friends,

(mostly girl friends)
I could use some input.

I've dated my share of guys. I've had a handful of serious boyfriends, some fixer-uppers and lots of throw-aways. But here's the problem: I haven't had much fun doing it. Which seems absurd since many of you know how much I relish many aspects of the dating scene...Yet...Not much fun. I don't expect to find THE ONE any time soon. It could happen...it might not, but I know he'll be there when he's supposed to be so I'm not worried about it. ..But I'll certainly never find him if I don't get out and have some fun. So this is an open invitation to anyone who wants to point me in the right direction...or ANY direction, for that matter. I've been through a lot, so I'm up for anything--getting fixed up, getting the intel on what awesome guys are on missions that I should write for future fun, meeting whoever, etc. Anyhoo...let me know.
-Meli
mielcitadiana@yahoo.com

Work in Progress

These last 2 months have been the best and worst of my life. I think that's abundantly clear. I've dumped and been dumped. And although that was terribly unpleasant...I kinda wish that were the worst of my problems. :P Life is hard. That's all there is to it. If I may quote Princess Bride: "Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." As it is, though..even though things are crazy hard...I'm fairly pain-free. :) Perspective is a wonderful thing. I've come to view things as they are. I know better now what's worth worrying about and what's not. The tricky thing is, though, that with that realization comes an awareness of how far I have to go. I'm doing well...but of course I could be doing better. I could read my scriptures more often, and schedule more effectively, and exercise more, and worry less, and do baptisms for the dead more often, and be a better sister/daughter/aunt/friend/cousin...etc.
I'm optimistic though.
I got a wonderful father's blessing last night and I feel like I can do this. ALL of this...and I have some killer personal revelation to back it up. Who's gonna argue with that?!
Anyhoo...this work in progress has some goals to set.
Later! :)

Hola

Esta mañana tuvimos una fiesta para todos los niños de la Primaria en la casa del Presidente Richardson. Fue genial! Comimos hotdogs y chips, nadamos, jugamos juegos y más! Había aproximadamente 40 o 50 personas en asistencia (Líderes, niños, sus padres etc) y pienso que todos se divertieron muchisimo. Aun aprendí una frase nueva: "Hacer trampa" jaja! Tal vez no es algo que debría saber decir...pero....ni modo! Me encanta aprender. :) Por eso estoy muy emocionada que la escuela empieza otra vez para mí el lunes que viene. Va a ser un semestre muy difícil, pero voy a aprender tanto (especialmente del español). Voy a tomar Conversación y Composición avanzadas, Literatura de Americanos Españoles, y Sintaxis del español. Además tendré una clase de la Teoría Literaria y Cultural. Todavía tomo Coro y mis lecciones privadas de voz...aunque no estoy exactamente segura de que será de mi voz. Tal vez Dios trata de hacer lugar en que meter bendiciones u otros talentos dentro de mí...por ahora...no sé. Sólo puedo esperar, orar, y trabajar tan duro como pueda.



This morning we had a party for all the primary kids at President Richardson's house. It was awesome! We ate hotdogs and chips, swam, played games and more! There were about 40 or 50 people in attendance (Leaders, kids, their parents etc.) and I think that everyone had a lot of fun. I even learned a new word in Spanish: "To cheat" haha! Maybe that's not something I should know how to say...but...whatever! I love to learn. :) So I'm really excited that school starts up again for me on Monday. It's gonna be a really hard semester, but I'm going to learn a ton (especially about Spanish). I'm taking Advanced Conversation and Composition, Spanish American Literature, and Spanish Syntax. I'm also going to have a Literary and Cultural Theory class. I'm still taking choir and my private voice lessons...although I'm not exactly sure what's going to become of my voice. Perhaps God is trying to make room for blessings or other talents in me....for now...I don't know. All I can do is hope, pray, and work as hard as I can.

So I Got Dumped....

That one threw me for a loop...
I still have no idea why...and a certain someone wont let me be privy to that information.
....So I'm just gonna keep on keeping on. Sad and crappy? yeah. ...But as far as I'm concerned nothing has really changed. I finally got my priorities straight..and that's exactly where they're staying. So....how's everyone doing?

Peace

I've said that an update is long overdue to certain parties...So, parties (you know who you are)...this is it! Not in the way I've been getting the requests for. No, this will not be me spilling, giving details or filling in on the recent events of my life. That will have to wait for another time. It is however, the direct result of those recent events. Please allow Depeche Mode to help me explain what's come about for me in recent days. Not another stupid song, you say? That's fine. It doesn't bother me if no one listens...but if you do, kindly ignore the nice pictures of Depeche Mode and think on the words instead. :P




Peace will come to me
Peace will come to me

I'm leaving bitterness behind
This time I'm cleaning up my mind
There is no space for the regrets
I will remember to forget

Just look at me
I am walking love incarnate
Look at the frequencies of which I vibrate
I'm going to light up the world

Peace will come to me
Peace will come to me

I'm leaving anger in the past
With all the shadows that it caused
There is a radar in my heart
I should have trusted from the start

Just look at me
I am a living act of holiness
Giving all the positivity that I possess
I'm going to light up the world

Peace will come to me
Just wait and see
Peace will come to me
It's meant to be

Peace will come to me
Just wait and see
Peace will come to me
It's an inevitability


Though they express most everything I'm feeling quite well, I will make one change and say that Peace has come to me. Yes, I am stressed and busy and tired, but those are such little things to me now. In so many ways I feel more myself than I've ever been. It's as if I only just met myself for the first time two weeks or so ago.
I feel as though I've found the missing piece of me...or of the puzzle that is my life. There are no more question marks. Bitterness and regrets are becoming far off memories and I've, at long last, discovered my desire and ability to truly light up the world. I should have known all along-it truly was an inevitability.

Greetings, World!

I probably should have already posted some random things about what I've been up to since the truly fateful break-up. I've been keeping myself quite busy, indeed. Most notably: I've been spending time with my amazing, wonderful, brilliant family of geniuses. :) They are the best. No arguments, my friends. That is the final word on the matter. :D

I've also taken up Kundalini Yoga. It's insane, and I've never felt so good in my life. I'm completely addicted...just beware, though, that if you're going to try it..you're probably going to feel pretty dumb doing it at first..because it looks really dumb. ...but Oh it feels so good! It kicks my trash every time...but I always feel like I just took a nap or something afterward..I never get that tired "I just exercised" feeling. :)

Check it out. www.raviana.com ...And if you end up wanting to buy, all of their dvd's (that I know of) are cheaper on amazon.
Have a good nap! :P

Something else:
I've bounced Waaaaaaaaaaaay back!
I'm dating this really great and amazing guy! Almost everyone in my family refers to him as "Ryan from the train" because he and I met on the light rail. Now, Melissa usually has an unhealthy penchant for bad-boys or fixer-uppers...and he is NEITHER. So...I'm still kind of figuring out what it's like to be with a guy I don't have to FIX or that is really actually no good for me. What a relief to just be me and not have some PROJECT of a man to work on!

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock! The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need." :)

So this is what HAPPY feels like!

For Your Information

Paul and I broke up. We were together for a year and (almost) four months. A fortnight ago everyone at church was asking us when we would get married...and to make sure they'd get an invite...and now.......well...the rest is silence. For a good week and a half I didn't say a word. I just collapsed on myself like a dying star. Crying at all hours and not admitting why. I can't say I want to talk about it...or even write about it. I just think people should probably hear it from me if they're going to hear it. And for the record...I did the breaking.
Jim Croce says it all better than I ever could.

Healthy Eating Endeavours

So...I'm trying to get healthy.

Trying isn't turning out great just about now. It was awesome for a week and a half...but I'm going to need to re-group and re-motivate. I'm an odd sort of health nut. I'll shy away from high fructose corn syrup and red 40, but then pick up that cheesecake anyway...twice. I also read labels incessantly. Good...but also bad. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into...or what I'm getting into myself..but I'm liable to just say "screw it" and eat it anyway.
My goal has been to just be more mindful of all that...and say "screw it" less. I figure that if I can just put a little more thought into these things, I'll end up doing a lot better. And it's been working. But these last couple of days have been "oh well" sort of days. We all have them. So...four pieces of boredom cheesecake eating later....it's time to start over again.
Funny thing about the cheesecake..and my label reading...is that I read the labels of two different types of pre-packaged cheesecakes today: plain and berry. Plain had 20 less calories per serving...So..plain won the battle. I just think that's a weird thing to be comparing such minute calorie values on. I mean...obviously I was going to be eating cheesecake either way....so whichever I choose is probably not the best choice most of the time...but still...my label reading won out and shaved 20 calories off of every slice. algo es algo. Yeah...I'm sure the pounds'll just melt away now..... :P What a wonderful world that would be. :)

And I Didn't Even Realize....

I'm a poet. Not a very good one, but that's okay. I just do it to get things out..and it's a little embarrassing...because the things that come out aren't necessarily pleasant or pretty.....but that's kind of the point.
So, I can't say that I really like my poetry in general, but there are a few that I like...ones that came out of me alright. The best ones are very succinct little thoughts. And sometimes they're self-explanatory. Here's one I'm not too ashamed of. I wrote it two years ago...

these

works I write

are questions

only answered

by time

Not that it's anything really special, but you can go ahead and feel happy to be a person who's read my poetry...because I'm very private about it. This is a really hard thing for me...as silly as that is. Let's try another little one. This one I wrote in 2006...

I dreamed

that everything

was falling apart

I woke up

and it was

This is a little painful...but I'm trying to be brave...so here's another from 2006..

my mother says

that I'm good

with kids;

an artist,

and a poet

I wonder

if that's true

I think that's plenty good for now.

Hair!

Sometimes my hair drives me nuts, but it does some pretty awesome things.

Example:
Last night I took a shower, washed my hair and, like all days, I toweled it dry and let the air do the rest. After a while it started getting in the way (of course) and since it was already almost dry I decided to just put it up. With no hair tie in sight, I grabbed a pencil....which I put my hair in a bun with all the time. (I guess this is another example) I can do that with chopsticks, 1 golf pencil, pens, and even forks. That's a pretty weird trick, but I'm a pretty weird person...and it only makes sense that I'd have weird person hair to match.
Back to the original example....So when I woke up this morning and took my hair down, this is what happened:

Not the best pic, but I had a gubillion beachy ringlets and waves without doing a single pickin' thing. :) I have naturally wavy hair, so my hair just does this. I love those kinds of anomalies. (hooray!)
My hair is so stinking long! That would be way long hair on any normal person, but since I'm pushing 6'4" that makes for very very especially long hair....and that's why it drives me a little nuts. I'm considering growing out the layers for a while longer and donating it, but we'll see how long I can take it.

Earlier photography attempts:

I hate pictures where you can see the camera in a mirror. It's just so.....myspace. ....Re-do!

And here's Lisa's blurry finger! hooray!

P.S. Yes, I'm wearing a soccer jersey from back in the day. *sigh* Good times! And that glimpse of plaid happens to be my most comfortable pajama pants. I win.

LIST

I am a maker of lists. That has become exceedingly apparent in my recent boredom. Any spare moment turns into a list...and I happen to have a lot of surplus moments on my hands right now. Most days I sit in a dark room for up to two and a half hours a day while two-year-olds sleep.
There are a number of things I could be doing during that time. Riveting things like: Eat another leftover sandwich. Clean everything with bleach. Fix any number of child-destroyed objects. etc. Somehow...none of these catch my fancy. So...a trusted little notebook keeps me company. And I've been dutifully making lists.

Lists of everything.
Lists of classes
Lists of plans
Lists of dates to remember
Disappearing task lists (to do lists)
Lists of things I like
Lists of people
Lists of things I LIST...

You get the idea.
So, in the last week I've been back at work, I've made no less than 8-10 different combinations of classes I need to take to graduate two or three years in the theoretical future. I can't even count how many pathetic attempts I've made at disappearing task lists. Well...the thing about that is that the lists are fantastic and impeccable and detailed...but the tasks never disappear like they should.

Still, I list.

I think it's my attempt to feel like I'm getting things done when I have no way of actually doing those things at any time in the near future. By the time I get home I'm too exhausted to think about any tasks to make disappear...well...except eating, sleeping and sitting around (not necessarily in that order).
Truth be told, sometimes I write those down on my to do lists...just so I can have something to cross off.
*sigh*
I am a tired girl.

Preschool

I'm sick. That's what I get for going back to work in a preschool. I was already sick enough...how is it a good idea to hang around those disease carrying plague rats we call children all day? Um..it's not. Oh well. Ladies and Gentleman, THIS is desperation. Nothing for it. I'm just a sad human being.
The funny thing is...I'm really good at my job. At least the parts about my job that are actually logical. Let me explain that a little...Career parents are insane..Career MOMS are insane...and I kind of despise them. They're selfish enough to put their career first and leave their child with strangers, but then they still have the gall to freak out if we don't do everything the same way they would...And I'm like, "dude...if you don't like it..stay home with your baby like moms do"...( Yes, I know it's just not in the cards for everyone...but the nice moms who are just trying to do the right thing don't freak out at me...so we're cool.:).....) anyway......As a result of these Crazy career moms and parents...and corporate being chock FULL of those career moms...there are a million different rules corporate mandates for how I have to do everything. Clean the perfectly clean chairs every picking day. Be on the level of the children, BUT don't sit down. Don't put anything on that shelf. No, you can't have lids on those bins. Call "time out" the euphemism "time away". Use this list of retarded freud-esque phrases when talking to the kids. etc. etc. etc.
Some of these things at least sort of make sense...most don't...and frankly, if corporate or the career moms had to do any of these things day in and day out...they wouldn't be mandated.
But anyhoo....the part of my job that actually pertains to being a good care-giver of children, relating to children, having fun with children. That, I'm really good at. All the other stuff just gets in the way of me doing my real job: taking care of the kids. I sing with them, I dance with them, I speak spanish to them, I run and jump with them, I swing on swings, I wipe noses, I lull them to sleep, I read books about ducks and frogs and fairies, I do puppet shows, I'm the pillar of strength that Jordan holds onto and hides behind. I'm Maya and Sophia's rocket ship, I'm the launderer of Micah's next bed-wetting episode....I do everything and then some. And it takes every ounce of energy I have every single day. Welcome to being a (replacement) mom. All the work....for someone elses babies...and I know some of those parents just don't care. Not about the work we do...and certainly not about their afformentioned babies. It breaks my heart. Some of those kids spend 12 1/2 hours in the place a day...even when their parents have the day off. ..And that just makes me sick. And I am sick, thanks to this job.
I can say this, though. I've learned a lot from this gig....Most notably: (Once I get my life together...get educated...get married and have babies of my own,)

I'm gonna be an awesome Mom.

Some Things

I can't seem to write a blog at a decent hour anymore.
That's probably because my life doesn't start before noon anymore.
This past week I finished up the semester. Not a moment too soon. I was going out of my mind.
I also got my job back at the preschool. I'm not sure why I thought that was a good idea...but it's a job, so I'm grateful. I'm not getting as many hours as last summer, but I'm lucky just to have the job with how bad things are in the economy....and the economy of the preschool. Enrollment is way down. It doesn't bother me much, though. It just means more children with parents. If it means a little less money for me, oh well. I'm glad some child is spending more time with a real mom or dad or family member instead of an institution of strangers whose smells are always fluctuating from bad to worse to bleach to poison.
Okay...enough of that.
Random: I ate three ice-cream sandwiches earlier. I should feel worse about that. Oh well. I'm sure the remorse will set in on my next trip to the mirror or scale...but whatever. I was celebrating.
So...more random: Long before the ice-cream sandwiches happened today, I inflated a baby pool, filled it up and took my 10 month old nephew "swimming" for the first time. He was a little shocked by the cold at first (as everyone is when they first get in the pool) but once he got used to it he went nuts. He had so much fun. :) Beck and Brandon and Grandma were there, but I was the one in the pool with him. He takes to everything so well. He's the most brilliant child ever. I'll probably have ugly idiot children. :( (sorry kids!) Anyway...It was so fun. He's so cute I can hardly stand it. :)

Life Update

Attention World! Melissa is on the brink!
That could be bad or good. I'm thinking both. Let's start with the good!
I'm really excited about life. It's pretty mundane, and stuff sucks...but I'm excited for all the good things it has in store. A lot of crap has happened lately, but lots of other awesome stuff too: I've made some friends, I ate carne asada tacos and cookies, made a decadent meal for my man that I could be proud of, watched funny videos, listened to ethereal and heartbreaking music, drank chocolate milk, did 50 jumping jacks, cooked for FUN...and in so doing I discovered my culinary genius....etc.
Not too shabby.

Now that I've been sufficiently awesome...let's review what's seriously irking me.
I've already written about how I'm getting an incomplete in voice this semester. And that's the kind of the culmination of everything I think is wrong with me...or has been wrong with me/bothering me for the past four years or so. ...Alright...here we go...the long sad tale...

I never had allergies or even really got sick until I was 15. Mid sophomore year I get the worst sickness of my life. It hurt to sing, I was tired all the time, I couldn't breathe, everything in my face, throat and chest hurt. So...I find out it's a upper-respiratory/bronchial/sinus infection. I'd hardly heard of that crap before and there it was. So...yeah. gross. And basically...it didn't go away. It was like the sickness that stuck. It would wax and wane like the moon in fast forward.

So, I was having a lot of allergy-esque things...which I thought was weird...because I was always the girl not allergic to anything. So...Junior year...everything still sucked. My voice just hurt...I was getting more and more involved in private lessons, and choir after choir after choir...so this was an issue...a big one. I was deathly afraid my voice was sustaining serious damage and my mom thought we ought to go to the ear nose throat specialist. So...a while later we go to this apparently incredibly renowned and famous one in scottsdale or somewhere. There are tons of autographs in that office from famous singers he's worked with. Pretty cool.

Anyhoo...so...the appointment. They make me fill out a questionaire and check off a list of a billion different possible symptoms. I had about 2/3 of 'em. So what they told me is that I have all the symptoms of having allergies, but we'll have a look at your voice...so they did. Well, just the main doctor did. Hello laryngial mirror! I had to sing at him while he was looking down my throat. It was awkward...and I was especially awkward back then.
And basically what he tells me, is that my larynx is perfectly fine....so...That's good news....but that doesn't help me any!! So...since it seems like I have allergies, I have to come back and get tested for allergies. When I come back I meet with an allergist, they start out giving me the run-down on how they're gonna do the prick-test..and basically just brief me on that so I don't freak out....and right then and there we talk treatment options in the event of me having allergies (which I have all the symptoms of). So....if I have allergies I can either get allergy shots, or I can just take drops under my tongue and become immune. So...No problem. No more allergies. Tada!!

Onward...
So they get me semi naked. Poke my back with everything imaginable...and wait. Drum roll. please!
I'm allergic to............

NOTHING!


um....well that's good news....but once again that DOESN'T help me any!!! So...what is it then?
You're sensitive.
What?...
You have "sensitivities"
crap. what does that mean.

What that means, I've found, is that I'm allergic to a lot of things you can't control...I think they call it sensitivity because my reactions aren't immediately as violent as normal allergies...but trust me...they end up being much worse than itchy eyes and sneezing. I'd take that any day.

What I'm actually allergic to is:
Fragrances
Pollution

So I'm allergic to everything. I'm allergic to laundry detergent, dish soap, the smell of my boyfriend's hair, my mom's hand sanitizer, my sister's deoderant, the cat's litter, the fumes from the bus, the cigarette smoke on that random guy's clothes...so many things I cannot avoid. And I wish I could say that I would be fine if I never had to leave my house again, but I can't. My mom wants to burn that candle she loves so much (that actually just smells like cherry cough syrup), my sister uses that body spray from bath and body works....and on and on it goes.

Be warned, for now I will describe (in icky detail) why this sucks for my voice and why it ends up making me sick as a dog....no, not a healthy dog...I mean the really sick kind.
Okay...for starters...I get exposed to something that probably smells nice...but is actually poison to me. It irritates my sinuses somethin' fierce. I get stuffed, phlemgy, and all kinds of nasty bodily reactions drip down my throat irritating my voice. So...I get a horrid sinus infection, my vocal folds swell and my adduction goes to crap...as if that was any good to begin with.

So I ask them how I deal with that...what's the treatment, etc.
And here it is. Nosespray. Hooray!...not. :/
So I basically get to medicate myself ever two hours for the rest of my life. How wonderful! :/
The thing about that, though, is that I'm terrible at remembering to take medications...and on top of that, who has time to medicate so often? Um...no one.

Prevention doesn't work. It hasn't worked in the four-ish years I've been attempting it. So I get sinus infections in waves. Always. They wax and wane...and kind of never go away. I get fortnightly sinus infections. So I'm useless. I'm supposed to be this incredibly talented singer...but I've got this handicap. I fight and fight and fight and never win. I just think....What would I be able to do if I never had to have another sinus infection again? How unstoppable would I be...or at least feel?...
What if, what if, what if.....

As it is...I do alright...
If I'm careful, anyway...but it's been especially bad lately. My jury was supposed to be thursday. I wasn't terribly prepared for this jury anyway, because I haven't been able to practice like I should. Here are the choices: I can sing now...or I can perform later....so...I guess I'm not practicing today so I can sing in studio or wherever...but I need to practice.. Not just to improve, but because I'm a pretty kinesthetic learner. I need to get my muscle memory cooking...but when my teeny tiny vocal muscles are irritated and get tired in no time, I can't afford to. What can I do?

So on wednesday I wanted to just sing my pieces to myself and check myself on memory. I started out with Puccini's E'luccellino. It's short and sweet, an adorable lullaby. So I was fine on memory, but my voice sounded like crap...but oh well. So I moved on to Voi Che Sapete. And I didn't even get through the b section without my voice hurting too badly to continue. Well...that's not true. I didn't stop because of the pain. I stopped because I couldn't sing through the tears anymore. I couldn't believe it.

So many things went through my mind. Not necessarily helpful or good things, but valid things..things I've been thinking for the longest time.
Maybe I'm not meant to be a singer.
Maybe this is God's way of breaking that to me.
What else do I have going for me?
...nothing...
I was still crying when I texted Doan the news....Once I stopped crying I called him...He was genial and fatherly and awesome, but I'm just afraid that one of these days he's gonna get fed up with my voice being so freaking high-maintenance and give up on me.

In all honesty, I'm scared out of my mind.

I was 15 when I found my calling.....but maybe I just mis-read the memo. That seems to be the message my overly-sensitive body is telling me...or at least trying to force me to hear.

But then again, there's hearing loss in my family...so screw that!

Until further notice, I'll be fighting as hard and as long possible.


Wish me luck.

Friday

Good morning, all.
In a little more than an hour, I have a final...That would be at 7:30 AM. Lame. Anyhoo...I'll be off in a bit, but I felt like writing a little something. I'm not sure what yet. Just a little rant, I suppose.
So...Melissa needs a job. I'm open to suggestions...or inside information... I might be able to go back to the job I had last summer...but then, I'm not sure I have enough fortitude in the mental health area for that. Well...I didn't then either...but whatever. It's not certain anyway..
In other news, I'm taking an incomplete in voice this semester, which blows. My voice just isn't holding up right now. Allergies, sinus infections, stress...and my voice says, "sorry. I'm kinda done....also....ow."
So I'll be make-up jury-ing it up next semester. wee. :(
Anyhoo...I'd best finish getting ready.
-Melissa

Cinco de Mayo party at paul's house for the guys and their girls. Carne asada tacos. Guarana. Win.

Testing. Testing.

Disappearing Task List

The rest of the semester:
-Jury (Memorize and finally rehearse with accompanist)
-Written Theory Final (Show up)
-Advanced Spanish Grammar Final (Study, Show up, win)

Advanced Procrastination

I am the professor, TA, and a straight A student of Advanced Procrastination. For Example: For my Beginning Conducting Class, I have to do 2 conductor observations and then write a page each answering some questions about their style etc... Now, I did my observations 2 months ago, but the observation papers aren't due till Tuesday....so they're not done. Truth be told, I'll probably get them done in 5-7 minutes each once I finally get started.
Also, the first conducting assignment of the semester I still haven't done because I was sick....and then I procrastinated rescheduling... All I have to do is beat an Orlando di Lasso (my choice of cut or common time) canonic madrigal and give the entrances for all the parts (which happen ever two measures). Lather, Rinse, Repeat; Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.
And yet....
So...I also have a paper to write for my Transborder Chicano/Chicana Literature class. It's due tomorrow....and we're taking the final right after turning it in. I know this process would go quite a bit faster if I'd just get started....but that would make things too simple for me, now wouldn't it.
I'm an advanced procrastinator. As such, I have not started formulating my thesis. I was supposed to start a few weeks ago....but no.
This will be a long day...
....whenever I start.

Life is Good

I have been having a beautiful string of good days. The busy-ness and the tiredness and the to-do lists just haven't been bothering me much of late. I wish I could blame it on an attitude adjustment, but no. I'm not that talented. :P Today theory got out early and my best guy friend Vassili and I adjourned to our "office" (which is really just a classroom in the music building...but we spend so much time there, we call it that). We got on the computer, lowered the projector, pulled the curtains shut and watched a movie in our own personal theater. It was awesome, and believe it or not, today was actually a very productive school day. :)
Tonight Emmy, Marlee, Glen and I went for sushi at Kobe...which was awesome. Lots of deliciousness...lots of bad jokes. That's my kind of night!
The boyfriend (Paul) is out with the guys to a movie, which is great. He needs to be able to get out more. It seems like I'm always the one going for a girls' night, leaving him with his computer on a friday or saturday evening...so he deserves a night with his boys. :)
Anyhoo...things are splendid. I will say that now before something bad happens. :P teehee! just kidding!...a little. ;)

Today...

I'm eating a miniature wheel of nameless cheese. It's delicious, I must say. That doesn't have to do with anything...but that's okay.
Today was Stake Conference. It was pretty awesome. I sang in the choir which was fun. It hadn't really been that much fun, but a friend of mine joined the ranks of the choir at the last minute and our rehearsal before was pretty hilarious as a result. We pulled out all the stops on our musical numbers, and I think everyone liked it, so I was pleased.
I loved Hermana Vargas' talk. She spoke in Spanish and was translated by one of her daughters. I was really surprised to hear a very personal story from her and was touched both by the story and by her courage in sharing it.
I listened to almost all the conference in Spanish being translated. My Dad helps translation with our High Council rep and Primary president. The dream team, I call them. :)
I like to hear these things in Spanish just 'cause I like Spanish...but I also like to listen to the translation because some day I hope to translate as well as the dream team. It's interesting to hear the English in one ear and Spanish in the other and wonder what word or phrase or conjugation whoever's translating will use in a split second. Sometimes I'll translate along in my head to see if I can do it. No, I can't always. It's hard, but I'm trying to get better. It's a goal to work toward. :) Hopefully someday soon I can actually make myself useful in that way...but I know I've got a long way to go. And perhaps that long way will have to lead me down south ...which I would love...if I could afford it I would be on my way to Argentina right now...
Well, for better or worse, I'd probably get married and then go. Maybe visit Brazil while I'm at it. Dang, I need to work on my Portuguese...or the lack thereof. I can understand lots...and say nothing but yes, no, thanks, exhausted, and I love you. Quite a collection. ...you know...just all the really important things. :P or not.

Women's Conference, Stake Conference, Agony, etc.

Today I went to a Relief Society Women's Conference in my sister's stake. It was really good I went to three classes: Overcoming self criticism, Life is Good, and Organization 101. I have a lot of work to do on all three topics. I loved the teacher of Life is Good (Stacey Farr) especially. She had such good energy and was a genius pedagogically. She actually had two heart attacks recently but she's up and kickin' like none other. She used to teach seminary so when she told me thank you for coming after the class, I told her that I wished she were my seminary teacher when I was in seminary.
Really...that would have been awesome...'cause I didn't learn squat in seminary junior and senior years....or sophomore, come to think of it...because my class kept scaring away all the new teachers. :/
Anyway....after the classes there was a luncheon and chocolate cake. :)
Then I went over to my sister's to visit and play with baby Jeffrey. He's the best. That's all there is to it.
Then came some errand running: Joann's; Bed, Bath & Beyond; Costco; etc.
When I got home I set out to write a talk (which I'm still not done with) knowing that I could be called on to speak in a matter of a few hours. Luckily, when I attended our adult session this evening, I wasn't one of those chosen to speak....now let's see if the luck continues to tomorrow...and let's see if I can even finish my talk. :/ I absolutely loved Hermano Gilgen's testimony. I was listening to the translation in Spanish. It was fantastic because I could hear both languages and when the spirit was strong enough I could feel a tangible connection formed by the spirit between Joseph and Bishop Farnsworth who was translating.
The rest of the meeting was kind of weird...weirdest meeting I've ever been to...wait....another awesome part was when my Dad got to share an experience...and unlike most of the people who felt the need to say something, his comment was relevant, to the point, and insightful...He's awesome.
soo....anyhoo.......After the session I had an exceedingly awkward encounter with my old friend and ex-boyfriend....which I found terribly unsettling. Those things are always awkward. But this was the epitome of awkward....but then, I'm not really myself right now, so I can't be sure what was me being weird and what was just plain predictable avoidance. Anway...it was over before it even started...no use trying to figure it out now.
I should probably get back to my talk...or maybe I'll get up and do it early. Sometimes a deadline is good for me. So in the background I'm listening to "Agony" from Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. It's hilarious. Partake if you will. Gotta love a fractured fairy-tale! So...Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince pine something fierce for their respective love interests...




...and then they get what they want. :p

His Grace: The Duke of Kittykins

So...I don't know who knows this and doesn't...or cares...but my family's cat Ephraim went missing last month...He's 6 years old..and we've had he and his sister Elora since they were brand new kittens. Their adopted brother Manasseh came along a while back and he (apart from the myself and the other humans of my household) is probably taking it the worst. Ever since we took him in as a kitten he's looked up to Ephraim as the coolest thing that ever happened....and I mean EVER!
Needless to say...we're all pretty heartbroken. We wandered up every street in our neighborhood and beyond shaking the ever-coveted fishy and chicken treats and called his name (and every nick-name he has) at the top of our lungs. We called and sent out e-mails to animal shelters.... We put up signs. We got many phone calls from nice people who thought they saw him...and we dashed off to see....but it wasn't him. I don't want to say that we've given up hope, but chances have grown very slim...They were slim to none after a week. And now......
I don't want to be too sad, but the last sign of defeat made itself manifest today.
Our signs that were prominently displayed only a few weeks ago, have been taken down and replaced with someone else's loss. And it makes me sad. It makes me miss him.
I feel silly...like I shouldn't get worked up over a cat...but I do.
I should be upset about something bigger...someone bigger...but that silly 15lb blob of black and tan (or the lack thereof) is making me sad. :(

Neurotic much

I don't really think anyone reads these...but that's okay. I write them anyway. So...right now I'm having an interesting day..week..month...semester...year. life. This cocktail of emotion is making me crazy...or maybe the fact that I'm crazy is the only problem.
A phrase of music can hit me hard enough to make me cry, but I don't think I'm sad. not really. I'm lonely. I'm fully aware that my life as I know it hangs in the balance. Things I thought were "my calling" and the only thing I was good at...I'm not feeling so good at. I'm losing my drive very early in the game. I'm self-defeating. I know it. And can't always fix it. I'm not driving the bus.
...Let me qualify that statement...
By not driving the bus, I mean that I feel like a simple passenger in my life. I can see the bus (and me on it) daring the precipice of a cliff...yet I am powerless against its (and my) fate.
Now don't go thinking I'm terribly melodramatic....because I'm definitely not a fan of that. Knowing is half the battle,though, right? ...and I know what my mind is up to...even if I can't necessarily stop it without an assist. Lame indeed!
anyway...
I may feel like crying...but I'm not sad. Just like Everclear says: "You are neurotic and depressed, that doesn't mean that you're sad."
:P

It never gets dull...

Ben Lee is keeping me company right now...or at least his music is. He's an Australian singer/songwriter that has saved my life on many an occasion. He's pretty brilliant...and says outrageous things that are beautiful and I wish were entirely true...like: "Make a list of things you need and leave it empty...except for number 1. write love." I'm listening to a song that got me through a few really painful situations: "Ache for You". I'm grateful for these kinds of perceptive souls who know just what to say or sing or write when the words escape me.


"This is the last day of existence.
And all i want is you."

"Our love's confusing, but it never gets dull"




"Love me like the world is ending"

Love in Two Languages

I'm currently waiting for my advanced spanish grammar class that starts later in afternoon. This break usually turns into my time-wasting time. So...I'm wasting time and listening to Muse, as I've found a renewed love for them of late. "Time is Running Out" is chiming in currently with a supremely sick bass-line. LOVE!

Anyhoo...I've recently taken on a very big libretto-writing project. It's technically supposed to be quite secretive, but when there are very few people to keep me accountable for my progress, progress wanes into nothing-ness. So...I wont give the details. Anyway...it's big...and it's going to be in two different languages-neither of which are my native tongue. Funny enough, though, that isn't what's making me nervous. I'm a little uneasy about the way my poetic inspiration generally comes and goes. It generally goes...and only comes back when I'm in a severe amount of emotional pain.

I mean...other than listening to "The Last Five Years" excessively, writing is one of the dead give-aways that I need a hug, a good cry and a very large cookie. But I'm not sad...not really. I'll admit, everything is pretty unbearably hard right now, but I'm fine... So how the heck am I going to conjure up enough pain to write the stinking pieces?! Well, I don't know. I've started some, but thus far I've only been able to write for a character that happens to be the antithesis of me.

Maybe that's the point.

The good news, though: what the antithesis of me has to say thus far is GOLD!

I think to myself...'wow...you might actually be good at this!'
and I think back at myself..'don't sound so surprised.'

Hibernation

It's come to my attention that the blog has been left dormant for far too long. I'm attempting to remedy that situation.