And I Didn't Even Realize....

I'm a poet. Not a very good one, but that's okay. I just do it to get things out..and it's a little embarrassing...because the things that come out aren't necessarily pleasant or pretty.....but that's kind of the point.
So, I can't say that I really like my poetry in general, but there are a few that I like...ones that came out of me alright. The best ones are very succinct little thoughts. And sometimes they're self-explanatory. Here's one I'm not too ashamed of. I wrote it two years ago...

these

works I write

are questions

only answered

by time

Not that it's anything really special, but you can go ahead and feel happy to be a person who's read my poetry...because I'm very private about it. This is a really hard thing for me...as silly as that is. Let's try another little one. This one I wrote in 2006...

I dreamed

that everything

was falling apart

I woke up

and it was

This is a little painful...but I'm trying to be brave...so here's another from 2006..

my mother says

that I'm good

with kids;

an artist,

and a poet

I wonder

if that's true

I think that's plenty good for now.

Hair!

Sometimes my hair drives me nuts, but it does some pretty awesome things.

Example:
Last night I took a shower, washed my hair and, like all days, I toweled it dry and let the air do the rest. After a while it started getting in the way (of course) and since it was already almost dry I decided to just put it up. With no hair tie in sight, I grabbed a pencil....which I put my hair in a bun with all the time. (I guess this is another example) I can do that with chopsticks, 1 golf pencil, pens, and even forks. That's a pretty weird trick, but I'm a pretty weird person...and it only makes sense that I'd have weird person hair to match.
Back to the original example....So when I woke up this morning and took my hair down, this is what happened:

Not the best pic, but I had a gubillion beachy ringlets and waves without doing a single pickin' thing. :) I have naturally wavy hair, so my hair just does this. I love those kinds of anomalies. (hooray!)
My hair is so stinking long! That would be way long hair on any normal person, but since I'm pushing 6'4" that makes for very very especially long hair....and that's why it drives me a little nuts. I'm considering growing out the layers for a while longer and donating it, but we'll see how long I can take it.

Earlier photography attempts:

I hate pictures where you can see the camera in a mirror. It's just so.....myspace. ....Re-do!

And here's Lisa's blurry finger! hooray!

P.S. Yes, I'm wearing a soccer jersey from back in the day. *sigh* Good times! And that glimpse of plaid happens to be my most comfortable pajama pants. I win.

LIST

I am a maker of lists. That has become exceedingly apparent in my recent boredom. Any spare moment turns into a list...and I happen to have a lot of surplus moments on my hands right now. Most days I sit in a dark room for up to two and a half hours a day while two-year-olds sleep.
There are a number of things I could be doing during that time. Riveting things like: Eat another leftover sandwich. Clean everything with bleach. Fix any number of child-destroyed objects. etc. Somehow...none of these catch my fancy. So...a trusted little notebook keeps me company. And I've been dutifully making lists.

Lists of everything.
Lists of classes
Lists of plans
Lists of dates to remember
Disappearing task lists (to do lists)
Lists of things I like
Lists of people
Lists of things I LIST...

You get the idea.
So, in the last week I've been back at work, I've made no less than 8-10 different combinations of classes I need to take to graduate two or three years in the theoretical future. I can't even count how many pathetic attempts I've made at disappearing task lists. Well...the thing about that is that the lists are fantastic and impeccable and detailed...but the tasks never disappear like they should.

Still, I list.

I think it's my attempt to feel like I'm getting things done when I have no way of actually doing those things at any time in the near future. By the time I get home I'm too exhausted to think about any tasks to make disappear...well...except eating, sleeping and sitting around (not necessarily in that order).
Truth be told, sometimes I write those down on my to do lists...just so I can have something to cross off.
*sigh*
I am a tired girl.

Preschool

I'm sick. That's what I get for going back to work in a preschool. I was already sick enough...how is it a good idea to hang around those disease carrying plague rats we call children all day? Um..it's not. Oh well. Ladies and Gentleman, THIS is desperation. Nothing for it. I'm just a sad human being.
The funny thing is...I'm really good at my job. At least the parts about my job that are actually logical. Let me explain that a little...Career parents are insane..Career MOMS are insane...and I kind of despise them. They're selfish enough to put their career first and leave their child with strangers, but then they still have the gall to freak out if we don't do everything the same way they would...And I'm like, "dude...if you don't like it..stay home with your baby like moms do"...( Yes, I know it's just not in the cards for everyone...but the nice moms who are just trying to do the right thing don't freak out at me...so we're cool.:).....) anyway......As a result of these Crazy career moms and parents...and corporate being chock FULL of those career moms...there are a million different rules corporate mandates for how I have to do everything. Clean the perfectly clean chairs every picking day. Be on the level of the children, BUT don't sit down. Don't put anything on that shelf. No, you can't have lids on those bins. Call "time out" the euphemism "time away". Use this list of retarded freud-esque phrases when talking to the kids. etc. etc. etc.
Some of these things at least sort of make sense...most don't...and frankly, if corporate or the career moms had to do any of these things day in and day out...they wouldn't be mandated.
But anyhoo....the part of my job that actually pertains to being a good care-giver of children, relating to children, having fun with children. That, I'm really good at. All the other stuff just gets in the way of me doing my real job: taking care of the kids. I sing with them, I dance with them, I speak spanish to them, I run and jump with them, I swing on swings, I wipe noses, I lull them to sleep, I read books about ducks and frogs and fairies, I do puppet shows, I'm the pillar of strength that Jordan holds onto and hides behind. I'm Maya and Sophia's rocket ship, I'm the launderer of Micah's next bed-wetting episode....I do everything and then some. And it takes every ounce of energy I have every single day. Welcome to being a (replacement) mom. All the work....for someone elses babies...and I know some of those parents just don't care. Not about the work we do...and certainly not about their afformentioned babies. It breaks my heart. Some of those kids spend 12 1/2 hours in the place a day...even when their parents have the day off. ..And that just makes me sick. And I am sick, thanks to this job.
I can say this, though. I've learned a lot from this gig....Most notably: (Once I get my life together...get educated...get married and have babies of my own,)

I'm gonna be an awesome Mom.

Some Things

I can't seem to write a blog at a decent hour anymore.
That's probably because my life doesn't start before noon anymore.
This past week I finished up the semester. Not a moment too soon. I was going out of my mind.
I also got my job back at the preschool. I'm not sure why I thought that was a good idea...but it's a job, so I'm grateful. I'm not getting as many hours as last summer, but I'm lucky just to have the job with how bad things are in the economy....and the economy of the preschool. Enrollment is way down. It doesn't bother me much, though. It just means more children with parents. If it means a little less money for me, oh well. I'm glad some child is spending more time with a real mom or dad or family member instead of an institution of strangers whose smells are always fluctuating from bad to worse to bleach to poison.
Okay...enough of that.
Random: I ate three ice-cream sandwiches earlier. I should feel worse about that. Oh well. I'm sure the remorse will set in on my next trip to the mirror or scale...but whatever. I was celebrating.
So...more random: Long before the ice-cream sandwiches happened today, I inflated a baby pool, filled it up and took my 10 month old nephew "swimming" for the first time. He was a little shocked by the cold at first (as everyone is when they first get in the pool) but once he got used to it he went nuts. He had so much fun. :) Beck and Brandon and Grandma were there, but I was the one in the pool with him. He takes to everything so well. He's the most brilliant child ever. I'll probably have ugly idiot children. :( (sorry kids!) Anyway...It was so fun. He's so cute I can hardly stand it. :)

Life Update

Attention World! Melissa is on the brink!
That could be bad or good. I'm thinking both. Let's start with the good!
I'm really excited about life. It's pretty mundane, and stuff sucks...but I'm excited for all the good things it has in store. A lot of crap has happened lately, but lots of other awesome stuff too: I've made some friends, I ate carne asada tacos and cookies, made a decadent meal for my man that I could be proud of, watched funny videos, listened to ethereal and heartbreaking music, drank chocolate milk, did 50 jumping jacks, cooked for FUN...and in so doing I discovered my culinary genius....etc.
Not too shabby.

Now that I've been sufficiently awesome...let's review what's seriously irking me.
I've already written about how I'm getting an incomplete in voice this semester. And that's the kind of the culmination of everything I think is wrong with me...or has been wrong with me/bothering me for the past four years or so. ...Alright...here we go...the long sad tale...

I never had allergies or even really got sick until I was 15. Mid sophomore year I get the worst sickness of my life. It hurt to sing, I was tired all the time, I couldn't breathe, everything in my face, throat and chest hurt. So...I find out it's a upper-respiratory/bronchial/sinus infection. I'd hardly heard of that crap before and there it was. So...yeah. gross. And basically...it didn't go away. It was like the sickness that stuck. It would wax and wane like the moon in fast forward.

So, I was having a lot of allergy-esque things...which I thought was weird...because I was always the girl not allergic to anything. So...Junior year...everything still sucked. My voice just hurt...I was getting more and more involved in private lessons, and choir after choir after choir...so this was an issue...a big one. I was deathly afraid my voice was sustaining serious damage and my mom thought we ought to go to the ear nose throat specialist. So...a while later we go to this apparently incredibly renowned and famous one in scottsdale or somewhere. There are tons of autographs in that office from famous singers he's worked with. Pretty cool.

Anyhoo...so...the appointment. They make me fill out a questionaire and check off a list of a billion different possible symptoms. I had about 2/3 of 'em. So what they told me is that I have all the symptoms of having allergies, but we'll have a look at your voice...so they did. Well, just the main doctor did. Hello laryngial mirror! I had to sing at him while he was looking down my throat. It was awkward...and I was especially awkward back then.
And basically what he tells me, is that my larynx is perfectly fine....so...That's good news....but that doesn't help me any!! So...since it seems like I have allergies, I have to come back and get tested for allergies. When I come back I meet with an allergist, they start out giving me the run-down on how they're gonna do the prick-test..and basically just brief me on that so I don't freak out....and right then and there we talk treatment options in the event of me having allergies (which I have all the symptoms of). So....if I have allergies I can either get allergy shots, or I can just take drops under my tongue and become immune. So...No problem. No more allergies. Tada!!

Onward...
So they get me semi naked. Poke my back with everything imaginable...and wait. Drum roll. please!
I'm allergic to............

NOTHING!


um....well that's good news....but once again that DOESN'T help me any!!! So...what is it then?
You're sensitive.
What?...
You have "sensitivities"
crap. what does that mean.

What that means, I've found, is that I'm allergic to a lot of things you can't control...I think they call it sensitivity because my reactions aren't immediately as violent as normal allergies...but trust me...they end up being much worse than itchy eyes and sneezing. I'd take that any day.

What I'm actually allergic to is:
Fragrances
Pollution

So I'm allergic to everything. I'm allergic to laundry detergent, dish soap, the smell of my boyfriend's hair, my mom's hand sanitizer, my sister's deoderant, the cat's litter, the fumes from the bus, the cigarette smoke on that random guy's clothes...so many things I cannot avoid. And I wish I could say that I would be fine if I never had to leave my house again, but I can't. My mom wants to burn that candle she loves so much (that actually just smells like cherry cough syrup), my sister uses that body spray from bath and body works....and on and on it goes.

Be warned, for now I will describe (in icky detail) why this sucks for my voice and why it ends up making me sick as a dog....no, not a healthy dog...I mean the really sick kind.
Okay...for starters...I get exposed to something that probably smells nice...but is actually poison to me. It irritates my sinuses somethin' fierce. I get stuffed, phlemgy, and all kinds of nasty bodily reactions drip down my throat irritating my voice. So...I get a horrid sinus infection, my vocal folds swell and my adduction goes to crap...as if that was any good to begin with.

So I ask them how I deal with that...what's the treatment, etc.
And here it is. Nosespray. Hooray!...not. :/
So I basically get to medicate myself ever two hours for the rest of my life. How wonderful! :/
The thing about that, though, is that I'm terrible at remembering to take medications...and on top of that, who has time to medicate so often? Um...no one.

Prevention doesn't work. It hasn't worked in the four-ish years I've been attempting it. So I get sinus infections in waves. Always. They wax and wane...and kind of never go away. I get fortnightly sinus infections. So I'm useless. I'm supposed to be this incredibly talented singer...but I've got this handicap. I fight and fight and fight and never win. I just think....What would I be able to do if I never had to have another sinus infection again? How unstoppable would I be...or at least feel?...
What if, what if, what if.....

As it is...I do alright...
If I'm careful, anyway...but it's been especially bad lately. My jury was supposed to be thursday. I wasn't terribly prepared for this jury anyway, because I haven't been able to practice like I should. Here are the choices: I can sing now...or I can perform later....so...I guess I'm not practicing today so I can sing in studio or wherever...but I need to practice.. Not just to improve, but because I'm a pretty kinesthetic learner. I need to get my muscle memory cooking...but when my teeny tiny vocal muscles are irritated and get tired in no time, I can't afford to. What can I do?

So on wednesday I wanted to just sing my pieces to myself and check myself on memory. I started out with Puccini's E'luccellino. It's short and sweet, an adorable lullaby. So I was fine on memory, but my voice sounded like crap...but oh well. So I moved on to Voi Che Sapete. And I didn't even get through the b section without my voice hurting too badly to continue. Well...that's not true. I didn't stop because of the pain. I stopped because I couldn't sing through the tears anymore. I couldn't believe it.

So many things went through my mind. Not necessarily helpful or good things, but valid things..things I've been thinking for the longest time.
Maybe I'm not meant to be a singer.
Maybe this is God's way of breaking that to me.
What else do I have going for me?
...nothing...
I was still crying when I texted Doan the news....Once I stopped crying I called him...He was genial and fatherly and awesome, but I'm just afraid that one of these days he's gonna get fed up with my voice being so freaking high-maintenance and give up on me.

In all honesty, I'm scared out of my mind.

I was 15 when I found my calling.....but maybe I just mis-read the memo. That seems to be the message my overly-sensitive body is telling me...or at least trying to force me to hear.

But then again, there's hearing loss in my family...so screw that!

Until further notice, I'll be fighting as hard and as long possible.


Wish me luck.

Friday

Good morning, all.
In a little more than an hour, I have a final...That would be at 7:30 AM. Lame. Anyhoo...I'll be off in a bit, but I felt like writing a little something. I'm not sure what yet. Just a little rant, I suppose.
So...Melissa needs a job. I'm open to suggestions...or inside information... I might be able to go back to the job I had last summer...but then, I'm not sure I have enough fortitude in the mental health area for that. Well...I didn't then either...but whatever. It's not certain anyway..
In other news, I'm taking an incomplete in voice this semester, which blows. My voice just isn't holding up right now. Allergies, sinus infections, stress...and my voice says, "sorry. I'm kinda done....also....ow."
So I'll be make-up jury-ing it up next semester. wee. :(
Anyhoo...I'd best finish getting ready.
-Melissa

Cinco de Mayo party at paul's house for the guys and their girls. Carne asada tacos. Guarana. Win.

Testing. Testing.

Disappearing Task List

The rest of the semester:
-Jury (Memorize and finally rehearse with accompanist)
-Written Theory Final (Show up)
-Advanced Spanish Grammar Final (Study, Show up, win)

Advanced Procrastination

I am the professor, TA, and a straight A student of Advanced Procrastination. For Example: For my Beginning Conducting Class, I have to do 2 conductor observations and then write a page each answering some questions about their style etc... Now, I did my observations 2 months ago, but the observation papers aren't due till Tuesday....so they're not done. Truth be told, I'll probably get them done in 5-7 minutes each once I finally get started.
Also, the first conducting assignment of the semester I still haven't done because I was sick....and then I procrastinated rescheduling... All I have to do is beat an Orlando di Lasso (my choice of cut or common time) canonic madrigal and give the entrances for all the parts (which happen ever two measures). Lather, Rinse, Repeat; Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.
And yet....
So...I also have a paper to write for my Transborder Chicano/Chicana Literature class. It's due tomorrow....and we're taking the final right after turning it in. I know this process would go quite a bit faster if I'd just get started....but that would make things too simple for me, now wouldn't it.
I'm an advanced procrastinator. As such, I have not started formulating my thesis. I was supposed to start a few weeks ago....but no.
This will be a long day...
....whenever I start.