Therapy

I would really like the time and resources to just go and get out of this for a while. I need time-and I don't have it. I need space-and there isn't any. I need friends that aren't quite there. I'm tired of being sad...and I'd really like to stop...but it's easier said than done. I want to climb mountains and go nowhere fast and live with my pain and think. I'd like to wonder if it goes away or if it really just starts to blend into the rest of me.

I don't know how to get over this. I keep getting these ideas that I think for a moment will just make it instantly all better. They wont, of course...but the thoughts are perpetuating the possibility of anything happening in the future...which is something I wasn't sure of...but it's ridiculous. Things like going to IKEA for no reason and riding trains for no reason and eating the world's supply of ice-cream or running till I puke and listening to every song that ever made me happy or sad.

I get these really weird feelings now that aren't quite sad....grief maybe..I feel suddenly sick...and truly can't distinguish which part of me to worry about. ....I walk around ASU with a panicked fearful feeling...and I don't know what I'm afraid of...and I don't know how to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm doing isn't working.

I'm trying so hard. I'm being good, but never good enough, it seems. I'm poring over my scriptures and marking like a mad-woman and praying and not understanding anything. I was given inspiration. I trusted it. It was right and I knew it... so what happened? That's the great question. Sam's the only one who knows...and he's never going to tell me. How could this turn out so badly? I will never understand it.

There were too many things about us...Sometimes it felt like the spirit was screaming, "This is IT!" ...that he was the ONE. I'm still convinced of that-of how it should have been, I mean. That's obviously not the case anymore...but there was so much truth in it. God is no liar...but what could have happened to make those things all lies? I hate not knowing.

I will never understand it.









"I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I'd need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much, yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me.

Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that's what I let it do.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused 'cause I spend my solitude with you.

Gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

'cause this is my therapy, 'cause you're the only one that's listening to me.

This is my therapy, just call it what it is and what we were with a death grip on this life that's in transition. This is my therapy 'cause you won't hear me out and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me."

I think I'd like my soul back (name that song/artist)

So...Operation Existence is failing miserably right now. I can't seem to pick myself up off the floor this time. Probably because part of me doesn't want to...or just doesn't see the point in ever getting up again.

I know I'm ridiculous. I know this is the part where I'm supposed to decide that I'm better off without him and that my life has just begun....But I just don't believe that. I wish I could.

In a matter of four weeks all the empty places in me were filled up with everything I'd ever wanted. And until now, I didn't really realize those empty places were there at all...but they're back. And now I wish I didn't have to know just how empty I always was.




I want my other half back.

Music for Missing

I've been doing too much thinking for my own good... This thinking is usually accompanied by music. These two songs have been following my thoughts around a lot. The first one has lyrics on the video...which I hate...so don't watch it. Just listen. It's better that way.



For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke, it cleared, and to my disbelief
There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me


I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining?

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...




I'm letting go
To see if you'll hold on to me
I'm in doubt
Of what is thought and what is real

In our room
Between the shapes I thought I knew
A guillotine
A pillow with feathers like snow

I've come
To a listening post beyond your lines
I'm all ears
To gather clues and look for signs

But I can't hear
The song you sing while you try to soothe
Why are you whispering
While the bombs are falling?

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

Hello again
I buried you, where have you been?
My renegade
You came back from the labyrinth

Unlike me
You've looked for things that could be found
And the thread
That guides through black times

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

When thoughts
Had outnumbered spoken words
In the early hours
We failed to establish
Who was hurt
Most

Anxiously UnEngaged

September 25th, I met Sam. Our first date was one week later-October 2nd. We were engaged 10 days later. And about ten hours ago he informed me that we are not at all right for each other and that he doesn't really believe we have a connection...

and there it ended.

What can I say? .....I'm completely crushed.
I didn't think I could get hurt any worse than I've already been.

.....I stand corrected.

I'm so tired of building my life only to get it torn down.

I don't want advice. I don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I don't really feel like existing right now. I don't feel like anything right now. I don't want to be or do anything. I see very little merit in anything, despite my logical brain's insistence that some things are still okay.

I realize just how depressed and depressing this sounds. That is with very good reason...because I am very very depressed. Once again....collapsing on myself like a dying star.


I don't know if I could survive another one of these.




...That's what I say every time. ...but somehow I survive long enough for someone better to show up and more effectively break my heart. The more amazing they are, the more efficient they get at that. I wish I could just call them jerks...but few really are...most are just poor fools like me. They irk me and make me cry...and I love them and pity them.



What a horrible day.


...and to clarify....this rant requires no comments....but I wouldn't remove your right to give them freely, if you so desire.