Therapy

I would really like the time and resources to just go and get out of this for a while. I need time-and I don't have it. I need space-and there isn't any. I need friends that aren't quite there. I'm tired of being sad...and I'd really like to stop...but it's easier said than done. I want to climb mountains and go nowhere fast and live with my pain and think. I'd like to wonder if it goes away or if it really just starts to blend into the rest of me.

I don't know how to get over this. I keep getting these ideas that I think for a moment will just make it instantly all better. They wont, of course...but the thoughts are perpetuating the possibility of anything happening in the future...which is something I wasn't sure of...but it's ridiculous. Things like going to IKEA for no reason and riding trains for no reason and eating the world's supply of ice-cream or running till I puke and listening to every song that ever made me happy or sad.

I get these really weird feelings now that aren't quite sad....grief maybe..I feel suddenly sick...and truly can't distinguish which part of me to worry about. ....I walk around ASU with a panicked fearful feeling...and I don't know what I'm afraid of...and I don't know how to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm doing isn't working.

I'm trying so hard. I'm being good, but never good enough, it seems. I'm poring over my scriptures and marking like a mad-woman and praying and not understanding anything. I was given inspiration. I trusted it. It was right and I knew it... so what happened? That's the great question. Sam's the only one who knows...and he's never going to tell me. How could this turn out so badly? I will never understand it.

There were too many things about us...Sometimes it felt like the spirit was screaming, "This is IT!" ...that he was the ONE. I'm still convinced of that-of how it should have been, I mean. That's obviously not the case anymore...but there was so much truth in it. God is no liar...but what could have happened to make those things all lies? I hate not knowing.

I will never understand it.









"I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I'd need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much, yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me.

Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that's what I let it do.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused 'cause I spend my solitude with you.

Gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

'cause this is my therapy, 'cause you're the only one that's listening to me.

This is my therapy, just call it what it is and what we were with a death grip on this life that's in transition. This is my therapy 'cause you won't hear me out and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me."