INVALID

Once upon a time, a computer popped up with a box that told my dear friend Aubrey whatever she was trying to do was "invalid". She piped back at the computer,"YOU're invalid!" I love Aubrey. She is a genius.

That is beside the point....but not really.

I find myself in a little conundrum. A conundrum that can be summarized, albeit brusquely, in this way:
I'm an attention whore, but I don't want to be.
By virtue of my birth order, I am especially prone to neediness in this area. I don't wish to be a grumpy, whiney, or an otherwise unagreeable nuisance, but that's what I slip into sometimes. I long to be the kind of self-sufficient, confident person who doesn't need anyone telling them how wonderful they are all the time.

In my lessons, my voice teacher and I refer to a set of little men of varying colors with different purposes. Some that ought to be banished and others I could use some more visits from. They are The Green Man, The Yellow Man, and (this one's still up for discussion) the Pink/Purple Man. The Green Man calls your attention to all your faults, every error you commit, etc. The yellow man is a herald of distractions and anti-productivity. The Pink/Purple Man is the guy who just hangs out and strokes your ego, whispering "You're fabulous!" and things of the like.
I am never without my Green Man...and I'm hardly seen without my Yellow Man...but my Pink/Purple Man is most often absent.

And this leaves me craving praise. Craving validation. And validation is a good thing, but I'd like to be a little more efficient when it comes to regulating and validating my own actions, and myself as a whole...so that I don't end up hailing from planet "look at me! look at me!" Because that's annoying. ..And it's not me. Or at least it's not the me I know I can and should be.

When I was nearing the end of my high school career I heard some gossip from a friend of mine. She informed me that one of our choir mates had told her how much he hated me because of how egotistical and conceited I was. Which really confused me...because anyone who knew me knows that I was the kind of person who struggled with self confidence and was very acutely aware of how much better everyone else was than her....So much so that it verged on fiction. That person he was talking about was clearly not me. I was coaxed into singing at first. I really had no idea I was any good at it at all....Until people repeatedly told me so. So when that gossip reached my ears it was crazy to me. How could anyone think I thought myself better or more talented than them?

Oddly enough, I find myself in a choir once more with him. I wonder what he will learn about me this time around...

Point being...I don't do so well with self building. I need to be a humble self validator. So until further notice, I'll be working on that....and maybe suppressing some attention cravings.