tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62268672993190056892024-02-18T18:01:11.829-08:00Operation Existence"May my soul bloom in love for all existence." -Rudolf SteinerMelissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-51763291568807301542011-10-21T14:21:00.000-07:002011-10-21T15:04:26.495-07:00Dear Blog Friends,<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgpL_ZlkGHSsL2nLsV9lm5Rjq8Tn-uU4dgaHddRlsrwuFAUQSx54wbx02hNu1rTCToLhujEV4iKjPK4Z4Z0F5OEuSNHH1dk1wUZiIqmDCklSPQ7wJgxDIYZvl2dso036mFbTi4VqpP4zZ/s1600/IMG_0465.jpg"><br /></a>I have been most neglectful of you in the past year. I promise to make it up to you, though. I will start by very penitently giving you a ridiculous picture of me to look at.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgpL_ZlkGHSsL2nLsV9lm5Rjq8Tn-uU4dgaHddRlsrwuFAUQSx54wbx02hNu1rTCToLhujEV4iKjPK4Z4Z0F5OEuSNHH1dk1wUZiIqmDCklSPQ7wJgxDIYZvl2dso036mFbTi4VqpP4zZ/s1600/IMG_0465.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgpL_ZlkGHSsL2nLsV9lm5Rjq8Tn-uU4dgaHddRlsrwuFAUQSx54wbx02hNu1rTCToLhujEV4iKjPK4Z4Z0F5OEuSNHH1dk1wUZiIqmDCklSPQ7wJgxDIYZvl2dso036mFbTi4VqpP4zZ/s320/IMG_0465.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5666065209429861922" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:180%;">There's more where that came from :P</span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Here's what you can look forward to in future (past) posts:<br /><br /></span></span></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> Massage School, Gaelic Storm, Blurry Carnival Pictures, the VNSA booksale, our first apartment, a Stunning View FROM our second apartment, Finally getting to our third apartment, Camping, Chase turning 25, Doula training, Graduating from Massage school, Turning 22, Our 1-year Anniversary/our Nephew's 3rd birthday, 4th of July, Dust storms with ridiculous names,</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> Babies, Graduating from Master Bodyworker Massage school</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, English speaking Ward, The Chinese Cultural Center, The Phoenix Zoo, more Camping, River Walking, more Camping, Primary Music, Priest Quorum happenings, My life as the Lincoln Lawyer, Spanish Literature @ ASU, Learning to Sew, Hunter & Rochelle's Wedding, half price Sea World, and using Cruise Control!<br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:180%;">Stay Tuned...</span><br /></div></div></div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-36855657333032415422010-09-23T20:15:00.000-07:002010-09-23T20:27:53.874-07:00Once and Future Honeymoons<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_RyHYexMf2c95eDWiPyEyAvawgR7n04d9MAYpCPM3lMZZwIOW__BTgIhbtneVyeGhJ6OSCk77zO6t1Srx71TYWWhb3reXS9xdxlf_4Pr0hhhbiqO6faAQVHdyiIYqtABUofzs0xwF58yh/s1600/m+c+WEDDING-13.jpg"><img style="text-align: left;display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px; " src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_RyHYexMf2c95eDWiPyEyAvawgR7n04d9MAYpCPM3lMZZwIOW__BTgIhbtneVyeGhJ6OSCk77zO6t1Srx71TYWWhb3reXS9xdxlf_4Pr0hhhbiqO6faAQVHdyiIYqtABUofzs0xwF58yh/s320/m+c+WEDDING-13.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5520299249537513954" /></a>Things are plenty crazy and although I never want to say "the honeymoon's over," we're definitely facing life head-on, without some of our favorite honeymoon type blessings-the extra time together, the temporary lack of laundry or dishes, the almost constant dates. *sigh* <div>I'm scheduling my next honeymoon right away. I'm not counting on it coming around for another decade or more, but I'll get another one someday. Mark my words. :)</div><div><br /></div><div>So, besides being fabulous, what does that picture up there have to do with this? Well, I'm here to tell you. :D Jennie Karges of <a href="http://ampersand-photography.blogspot.com/">Ampersand Photography</a> did our engagement and wedding pictures and I <i>LOVE</i> that she captured this moment. I looked at that and was so excited that she caught this part of our relationship. This is exactly what it looks like and how we stand when we're talking things over and deciding on something together. </div><div>It's okay if the honeymoon's over, because I love the "figuring it out together" part of marriage that we're getting right in the thick of. Mind you, us figuring it out these days doesn't look quite as cute as it did on our wedding day, but oh well.</div><div><br /></div><div>And in case you weren't paying attention, here's another plug for Jennie: <a href="http://ampersand-photography.blogspot.com/">Ampersand Photography</a></div><div><br /></div><div>-Miss</div><div> </div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-31479799080267640952010-09-23T20:10:00.001-07:002010-09-23T20:11:59.077-07:00Catch Up<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Chase is at ASU and MCC working on prerequisites for Dental school and working at the Scout Shop. He's serving as Cubmaster in our Ward and doing an amazing job! Seriously...ask anyone! He's the best. </div><div>I'm our ward's music chair, chorister and choir director. We're trying to get a choir going again...which is a LARGE point of STRESS for me right now. We'll start up practice in October and until then I will probably be praying frantically. :P</div><div>Scholastically speaking, BIG CHANGES for Melissa: I've taken a leave of absence from ASU to do a 30-wk. Massage Therapy program starting next month. Like I said-BIG CHANGES. I'm definitely a little nervous going into something completely new and different, but I'm really happy about it and Chase and I are way excited. :) </div><div>Because my school schedule is going to be 9-5:30 M-TH and pretty hard to schedule, I'm not working right now, which is tough, but we'll survive.</div><div>Anyhoo...I hope everyone's doing great. :)</div><div>-Miss</div><div><br /></div><div>P.S. Blogging friends, </div><div>I want to see you blogging more. I miss you when you're not blogging. That is all.</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-60608506371426265812010-08-08T18:37:00.000-07:002010-08-08T22:24:41.330-07:00Just MarriedJuly 2, 2010-Chase and I were sealed in the Mesa, Arizona Temple for time and all eternity.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnhO9_SLK9uUSC5MN7WPPoOhyphenhyphen10UIMZEZgBMXJMGSXJXCMAkbdD1eIHHixoiZ01U_djuEGfliHI2ufy-5MbK2LW3xr7tY5bOjrUPaMqrOYKw8u-W96puQBO3lJEjbreLhetg4KhJWEONhS/s1600/IMG_2206.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnhO9_SLK9uUSC5MN7WPPoOhyphenhyphen10UIMZEZgBMXJMGSXJXCMAkbdD1eIHHixoiZ01U_djuEGfliHI2ufy-5MbK2LW3xr7tY5bOjrUPaMqrOYKw8u-W96puQBO3lJEjbreLhetg4KhJWEONhS/s320/IMG_2206.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503218846418768210" border="0" /></a> Married life is treating us wonderfully. Marrying this man was definitely the best decision of my life. He's so amazing as well as amazingly good to me. He's the strongest and gentlest person I know and much more concerned with my welfare than his own. He even cleans my kitchen and does the dishes...like<span style="font-style: italic;"> every</span> day. Alright, so maybe he does it more for his own sanity than mine, but still. I dare you to top this. :P Being married to him feels like the most normal thing-like taking a breath. Despite the adjustments, I feel like I've been his wife forever-and I really will be. :)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWKFrhjvRUC6Dv4iF5EfKe-QAMDXJza3USOK6FgqhF2S9EGPCPKjNj0sndwHd39R3aMyuS_h8VB8RgBZ-o4ODVsKQtmqgJFy487ke6Ha5HjUJN3Okw3WIXFECPY75KzEk1f02TvVRjIERK/s1600/IMG_2212.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWKFrhjvRUC6Dv4iF5EfKe-QAMDXJza3USOK6FgqhF2S9EGPCPKjNj0sndwHd39R3aMyuS_h8VB8RgBZ-o4ODVsKQtmqgJFy487ke6Ha5HjUJN3Okw3WIXFECPY75KzEk1f02TvVRjIERK/s320/IMG_2212.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503223866704766370" border="0" /></a>I should put more pictures soon. I've still got to write about the Alaskan cruise family reunion, though, so there's some catching up to do. For now-just know that we're doing great, that we're crazy busy, that we're both looking for new jobs and getting ready for school to start. Love you!Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-9799303755208060112010-05-18T12:05:00.000-07:002010-05-18T13:05:20.842-07:00A Love Story and a Wedding Announcement<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJpFYFrk0hIMUKj8EuSyVAOv0cBdm5LX0glVvGQKkDh3Rv8oji8iFHJk0FdRcPA2t060jWdnwKvCum5zetl4GFQwwD9rjQEyLkm7WrmKTQ3NWg7Cu86jNaIiU1oAGS7TphHJs8LaX5WKzd/s1600/CMKGV7.JPG"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJpFYFrk0hIMUKj8EuSyVAOv0cBdm5LX0glVvGQKkDh3Rv8oji8iFHJk0FdRcPA2t060jWdnwKvCum5zetl4GFQwwD9rjQEyLkm7WrmKTQ3NWg7Cu86jNaIiU1oAGS7TphHJs8LaX5WKzd/s320/CMKGV7.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472700289271762050" border="0" /></a><br />I'm getting married July 2nd to the most amazing man in the world, universe, eternity...etc. His name is Chase Kimball. We met in our Principles of Leadership class at the Tempe Institute at ASU. I had my eye on him from the beginning and we became fast friends. We sat next to each other all semester...(at first with a little sneaky arranging on my part)..and just had a blast. We spent lots of time whispering back and forth and making each other laugh, but still managed to learn a ton from our great teacher Bro. Hofeling. {He gets a special shout out, since I took his class before and his counsel was a huge blessing to me when I was going through a tough time and considering taking the class again. I did and, well...it will be paying off for eternity.}<br /><br />Chase tells me he had his eye on me as well and that he had been praying that the right girl would be in one of his classes.<br />Well, there we were. We were always on the same page when discussions got weighty, family and future oriented. I felt uncannily normal around him...and now I'm addicted to the feeling. I told him I liked him, but he was dating someone else at the time. I was devastated, but resigned myself to being the best friend he could ever have. As one last ditch effort I made him peanut butter chocolate brownies for his golden birthday-March 24th. We walked down the stairs of the institute together as we always did and he asked me out. We went to the Renaissance Festival for our first date and just walked and talked all day.<br /><br />Chase and I have the best time wherever we are and whatever we're doing. Our courtship has been such a comfortable thing for both of us. I remember wondering out loud, "Is this what it feels like for everyone-finding the right person?" He said, "I don't know...but if not, it's a shame."<br /><br />When he proposed we went to a neighborhood with a beautiful lake view and went for a little walk. We arrived at a bench overlooking the lake and there were flowers waiting for me on the bench. As I sat down to pick up my flowers, he got to one knee, addressed me by my full name and asked me to marry him. I'm so glad I said yes-for obvious reasons...but also because there was a candlelit picnic dinner to follow. It was glorious. He's glorious. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhOF8cdEmpzhRZYvFZxXKduit-49_KW8Y1mHMEGiE1kaK1CuqvryoXmVFtJ1jYXO7bwj9jtO9FEB-F_Zpftst1p5c2e9LAxebImdK7_TA948SSTq_XIs5er2tnyh1RmXWFnoLhBwg9ZcO/s1600/CMKGV3.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhOF8cdEmpzhRZYvFZxXKduit-49_KW8Y1mHMEGiE1kaK1CuqvryoXmVFtJ1jYXO7bwj9jtO9FEB-F_Zpftst1p5c2e9LAxebImdK7_TA948SSTq_XIs5er2tnyh1RmXWFnoLhBwg9ZcO/s320/CMKGV3.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472697401893005570" border="0" /></a><br />I am so grateful for the opportunity to be sealed to this wonderful man for time and all eternity. I wish everyone this kind of joy. We all deserve to feel this. Through the gospel of Jesus Christ it's all possible.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">We love you and want to see you come celebrate with us.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">(send me addresses on facebook if you want an announcement)</span><br /></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ6MYsY4Y_jIwuHJaYRu7kT201IZLbnhJkN25_WOCkJG0v78P_vp1B5JmmuxLgAQSGzLedrl6QXm74dYEy49vuY3dfQ-XxeU7rz2Ml46cDc8_0bL0ROVxE_cQbfXZbWOKTqjH0xlVOHIuT/s1600/CMKGV6.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ6MYsY4Y_jIwuHJaYRu7kT201IZLbnhJkN25_WOCkJG0v78P_vp1B5JmmuxLgAQSGzLedrl6QXm74dYEy49vuY3dfQ-XxeU7rz2Ml46cDc8_0bL0ROVxE_cQbfXZbWOKTqjH0xlVOHIuT/s320/CMKGV6.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472699358328268514" border="0" /></a><br /><br />JULY 2, 2010<br />7-9 PM<br />LDS Extension Building<br />616 S. Extension Rd.<br />Mesa, AZ 85210<br /></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-38528169057056017452010-04-12T19:48:00.000-07:002010-04-12T20:09:39.399-07:00Orange Colored SkySometimes I forget about certain parts of me. <br /><br />The last couple days I've been immersed in New York Voices...which I love, but hadn't listened to in years. I missed Vocal Jazz. It makes me want to get my degree done and go do my masters at Sacramento State. *sigh* Like I said, I forget about parts of me. I really hadn't thought about that love for three years.<br /><br />Change of Subject:<br />I'm tired. Someday I'll have a really good excuse to be tired, like being a mom....For now, I'm just tired. :/<br /><br />In better news:<br />I'm having a really lovely time with most aspects of my life. I'm getting slightly better at piano, I think I'm becoming a better teacher, I might just survive the school year, I've been spending a lot of time with a guy in my institute class, and I'm really hoping (and praying) for the best.<br /><br />...I'm mostly praying that I don't screw it up royally. I've been handed a lot on a silver platter...I just hope I'm not nearly as clumsy with these blessings as I've been in the past.<br /><br />I'll take prayers, if you've got any extras. :P<br /><br />Loves!<br />-MissyMelissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-28576946250261092522010-02-24T21:07:00.000-08:002013-06-06T12:07:05.401-07:00Current EventsThings are going excellently well. Things are just as difficult as they ever were, but significantly improved. I can't quite explain what's happened. I really don't have any idea. School is crazy. Work is crazy. Home is crazy. Church is crazy.
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The first week in February my family and I went to the Renaissance Festival. There are some adorable pictures I need to get up. It was a blast. I must tell you all a story about the "hair stick" I bought. Another time.
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The next weekend we went to the VNSA book sale. I should write an entire blog on that as well. For now I'll just say that I love books and I purchased a great many of them for cheaper than dirt cheap. ...I had to wait in line at 4 am to get in early enough, but it was worth it.
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anyway.....
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Stake Conference was this last weekend. It was quite a trip. I learned in the adult session of conference that a dear friend of my family's died suddenly of a heart attack that day. I was completely broken apart and cried through some of the talks. It was, very difficult...and still is. My sister Lisa played a beautiful musical number on Viola. She's so talented, I just can't stand it!
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For the general session I was in the choir, as usual, and shared a descant with Lisa. The music was very mission-centric and got me thinking and crying. I listened to the Spanish translation during the meeting. I often feel the spirit more strongly in Spanish and it's a good challenge for me to practice translating in my head along with the translators-two of which are relatives (my Dad and my T<link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CWILLIA%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:usefelayout/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"MS Mincho"; panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4; mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝"; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:modern; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 18 0 131231 0;} @font-face {font-family:"\@MS Mincho"; panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:modern; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 18 0 131231 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} </style> --><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]-->ío Ron) and another who's my Primary President (Soy la 3a consejera...yes 3rd counselor). Fun stuff.
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School is as it always is. My favorite class this semester is of course my Institute class-Principles of Leadership. The class is fabulous and it is only improved further by the superb company. :) I'm doing incredibly well in my Italian class. It's really astounding how easy it is if you're a Spanish grammar geek who already took a class on Italian pronunciation. weird... :P
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Work is insane. Of course it is! :P You can't expect anything less working with kids. I've been bouncing around the preschool a lot lately. I'm really getting fond of working with the threes, though....which is probably why they put me back in the twos today. :P oh well... Hooray for potty training twos!
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In other news,
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My family's in the middle of approximately ten million projects. So far, the prognosis is good. I am impatient with myself, though. And I'm betting I'd get more done if I weren't so tired...or still sick.. either one. ;)
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Well...that will have to suffice for now.
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How is everyone doing?
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<br />Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-39787361850146382882010-01-03T23:29:00.000-08:002010-01-03T23:41:21.660-08:00Safety for the Soul<span style="font-style: italic;">I love this talk by Jeffrey R. Holland from last October's General Conference. Read it. It's wonderful. There's video at the bottom of the bolded text. Yes, it's long. Read it anyway. :P</span><br /><br /><br />"Prophecies regarding the last days often refer to large-scale calamities such as earthquakes or famines or floods. These in turn may be linked to widespread economic or political upheavals of one kind or another.<br /><br />But there is one kind of latter-day destruction that has always sounded to me more personal than public, more individual than collective—a warning, perhaps more applicable inside the Church than outside it. The Savior warned that in the last days even those of the covenant, the very elect, could be deceived by the enemy of truth. If we think of this as a form of spiritual destruction, it may cast light on another latter-day prophecy. Think of the heart as the figurative center of our faith, the poetic location of our loyalties and our values; then consider Jesus’s declaration that in the last days “men’s hearts [shall fail] them.”<br /><br />The encouraging thing, of course, is that our Father in Heaven knows all of these latter-day dangers, these troubles of the heart and soul, and has given counsel and protections regarding them.<br /><br />In light of that, it has always been significant to me that the Book of Mormon, one of the Lord’s powerful keystones in this counteroffensive against latter-day ills, begins with a great parable of life, an extended allegory of hope versus fear, of light versus darkness, of salvation versus destruction—an allegory of which Sister Ann M. Dibb spoke so movingly this morning.<br /><br />In Lehi’s dream an already difficult journey gets more difficult when a mist of darkness arises, obscuring any view of the safe but narrow path his family and others are to follow. It is imperative to note that this mist of darkness descends on all the travelers—the faithful and the determined ones (the elect, we might even say) as well as the weaker and ungrounded ones. The principal point of the story is that the successful travelers resist all distractions, including the lure of forbidden paths and jeering taunts from the vain and proud who have taken those paths. The record says that the protected “did press their way forward, continually [and, I might add, tenaciously] holding fast” to a rod of iron that runs unfailingly along the course of the true path. However dark the night or the day, the rod marks the way of that solitary, redeeming trail.<br /><br />“I beheld,” Nephi says later, “that the rod of iron . . . was the word of God, [leading] . . . to the tree of life; . . . a representation of the love of God.” Viewing this manifestation of God’s love, Nephi goes on to say:<br /><br />“I looked and beheld the Redeemer of the world, . . . [who] went forth ministering unto the people. . . .<br /><br />“ . . . And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases, and with devils and unclean spirits; . . . and they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God; and the devils and the unclean spirits were cast out.”<br /><br />Love. Healing. Help. Hope. The power of Christ to counter all troubles in all times—including the end of times. That is the safe harbor God wants for us in personal or public days of despair. That is the message with which the Book of Mormon begins, and that is the message with which it ends, calling all to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him.” That phrase—taken from Moroni’s final lines of testimony, written 1,000 years after Lehi’s vision—is a dying man’s testimony of the only true way.<br /><br />May I refer to a modern “last days” testimony? When Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum started for Carthage to face what they knew would be an imminent martyrdom, Hyrum read these words to comfort the heart of his brother:<br /><br />“Thou hast been faithful; wherefore . . . thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.<br /><br />“And now I, Moroni, bid farewell . . . until we shall meet before the judgment-seat of Christ.”<br /><br />A few short verses from the 12th chapter of Ether in the Book of Mormon. Before closing the book, Hyrum turned down the corner of the page from which he had read, marking it as part of the everlasting testimony for which these two brothers were about to die. I hold in my hand that book, the very copy from which Hyrum read, the same corner of the page turned down, still visible. Later, when actually incarcerated in the jail, Joseph the Prophet turned to the guards who held him captive and bore a powerful testimony of the divine authenticity of the Book of Mormon. Shortly thereafter pistol and ball would take the lives of these two testators.<br /><br />As one of a thousand elements of my own testimony of the divinity of the Book of Mormon, I submit this as yet one more evidence of its truthfulness. In this their greatest—and last—hour of need, I ask you: would these men blaspheme before God by continuing to fix their lives, their honor, and their own search for eternal salvation on a book (and by implication a church and a ministry) they had fictitiously created out of whole cloth?<br /><br />Never mind that their wives are about to be widows and their children fatherless. Never mind that their little band of followers will yet be “houseless, friendless and homeless” and that their children will leave footprints of blood across frozen rivers and an untamed prairie floor. Never mind that legions will die and other legions live declaring in the four quarters of this earth that they know the Book of Mormon and the Church which espouses it to be true. Disregard all of that, and tell me whether in this hour of death these two men would enter the presence of their Eternal Judge quoting from and finding solace in a book which, if not the very word of God, would brand them as imposters and charlatans until the end of time? They would not do that! They were willing to die rather than deny the divine origin and the eternal truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">For 179 years this book has been examined and attacked, denied and deconstructed, targeted and torn apart like perhaps no other book in modern religious history—perhaps like no other book in any religious history. And still it stands. Failed theories about its origins have been born and parroted and have died—from Ethan Smith to Solomon Spaulding to deranged paranoid to cunning genius. None of these frankly pathetic answers for this book has ever withstood examination because there is no other answer than the one Joseph gave as its young unlearned translator. In this I stand with my own great-grandfather, who said simply enough, “No wicked man could write such a book as this; and no good man would write it, unless it were true and he were commanded of God to do so.”</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I testify that one cannot come to full faith in this latter-day work—and thereby find the fullest measure of peace and comfort in these, our times—until he or she embraces the divinity of the Book of Mormon and the Lord Jesus Christ, of whom it testifies. If anyone is foolish enough or misled enough to reject 531 pages of a heretofore unknown text teeming with literary and Semitic complexity without honestly attempting to account for the origin of those pages—especially without accounting for their powerful witness of Jesus Christ and the profound spiritual impact that witness has had on what is now tens of millions of readers—if that is the case, then such a person, elect or otherwise, has been deceived; and if he or she leaves this Church, it must be done by crawling over or under or around the Book of Mormon to make that exit. In that sense the book is what Christ Himself was said to be: “a stone of stumbling, . . . a rock of offense,” a barrier in the path of one who wishes not to believe in this work. Witnesses, even witnesses who were for a time hostile to Joseph, testified to their death that they had seen an angel and had handled the plates. “They have been shown unto us by the power of God, and not of man,” they declared. “Wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true.”</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Now, I did not sail with the brother of Jared in crossing an ocean, settling in a new world. I did not hear King Benjamin speak his angelically delivered sermon. I did not proselyte with Alma and Amulek nor witness the fiery death of innocent believers. I was not among the Nephite crowd who touched the wounds of the resurrected Lord, nor did I weep with Mormon and Moroni over the destruction of an entire civilization. But my testimony of this record and the peace it brings to the human heart is as binding and unequivocal as was theirs. Like them, “[I] give [my name] unto the world, to witness unto the world that which [I] have seen.” And like them, “[I] lie not, God bearing witness of it.”</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I ask that my testimony of the Book of Mormon and all that it implies, given today under my own oath and office, be recorded by men on earth and angels in heaven. I hope I have a few years left in my “last days,” but whether I do or do not, I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgment bar of God that I declared to the world, in the most straightforward language I could summon, that the Book of Mormon is true, that it came forth the way Joseph said it came forth and was given to bring happiness and hope to the faithful in the travail of the latter days.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My witness echoes that of Nephi, who wrote part of the book in his “last days”:</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">“Hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, . . . and they teach all men that they should do good.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">“And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day.”</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Brothers and sisters, God always provides safety for the soul, and with the Book of Mormon, He has again done that in our time. Remember this declaration by Jesus Himself: “Whoso treasureth up my word, shall not be deceived”—and in the last days neither your heart nor your faith will fail you. Of this I earnestly testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.</span>"<br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-_ac3tWeV3I&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-_ac3tWeV3I&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It's true. All of it. That's all there is to it.</span>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-22906317932889258052010-01-03T00:16:00.000-08:002010-01-03T23:05:32.676-08:00Merry New Year...thank you for correcting my English, which stinks. :P<br /><br />Hello all! Hope you had a fantastic new year. More importantly, I hope you keep having a fantastic year long after it's lost its new-ness. :)<br /><br />I rang in the new year at gameworks with lots of people I don't know, some awesome people I do know, and some moderate playing of games I'm no good at. I obviously went for the company-which was excellent. I spent the whole night mostly just hanging out with one of my best guy friends. Not much for me on the singles front, but it was the first time I'd really gone out in a while so it was fun to get gussied up...even though I just went in jeans and a t-shirt. :P Most of my gussy-ing happens on my face. haha.<br /><br />New Years day I went for Pupusas with the fam and the afformentioned guy friend. Man, do I love Pupusas!... :P It sure makes the new year look good. :)<br /><br />So, the new year so far has got yours truly into a bit of a planning frenzy at the moment. School schedule. Lists. Lists. Primary. Lists. Sharing Time. Music Time. Lists.<br /><br />Speaking of school...As with every semester, I'm way excited. It's the novelty of it. I wish that zeal would stick around, but it tends to wear off in a hurry for me. It's no big surprise that, as with 2009 as a whole, last semester was a disaster for Operation Existence.<br /><br />A toast to a new semester and a new year:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">May the sleep be habitual!</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">May the food be on purpose!</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">May the messes be few, far between, and brief!<br /><br /></span>Dang...those sound kinda resolution-ey...oops<span style="font-style: italic;">...</span>Oh well.<br /><br />So, some fun goings on:<br /><br />Last night...or I guess now it would be the night before last...my sisters, cousin Marlee and I had a girls' night. Big success! You rule, Beck! It was beautiful in its simplicity. Homemade peppermint ice cream and Flight of the Conchords. Good stuff.<br /><br />Also, I'm becoming surprisingly sporty. ...No, really. I'm playing soccer again. My dad's kind of unofficially coaching my family's little recreational soccer group. He's the best. Love you, Daddy! Happy Birthday on Monday!<br />I've also taken up tennis. Don't worry, I'm not any good. I'm finding some tennis muscles in my arms though. Weird. :P It's fun, though. It's kind of funny to think of me playing tennis when all my tennis-related knowledge comes from either the movie Wimbledon or a cartoon. Still, I'm psyched. :)<br /><br />So...apart from all that fun, I've been occupying the rest of my time by wasting it-One of my many talents. :) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/show?p=q5UwrRkuouU&pl=77D122FA6AE9B04D">Auto-Tune the News</a>, is probably my favorite time waster at the moment. :) I can, no joke, watch them for hours on end. So far, there are 9 (at times very wordy) episodes and I'm well on my way to memorizing them all. My fanaticism is obvious.<br /><br />Anyhoo, more Existence and Operations to come.<br /><br />Happy New Year!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-71488527977913652492009-12-27T22:32:00.000-08:002009-12-27T22:49:25.175-08:00A Note..I haven't really stopped running around since I got done with finals. Maybe vacation'll kick in soon. I'm picking up some more hours at the preschool while on break and trying to get around to doing a million things. Primary stuff, School stuff, bleh...anyway... Among other things, I've been contemplating the year that's passed. To be brief, It sucked. That's all there is to it. Boy, I'm glad it's almost over. Don't worry, though. I intend on kicking some serious trash next year. It's a work in progress, though. Hence, Operation Existence. <br />To be clear, though, this is not a new year's resolution. This is a normal resolution. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. For a lot of reasons... The failure rate, the arbitrary nature of it....I mean, ideally, you should be resolving to change and evolve and get better all the time. Also, this time of year doesn't exactly inspire self improvement for me. It's more of a world improvement time. The summer is when I really get going. Arizona girl, anyone? :P<br />Time of year note: One thing I love about the Arizona cold is that it really gives me the opportunity to appreciate Sunshine. Nothing feels quite like stepping into Arizona sunshine on a cold day. :)Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-54351420691269185662009-12-10T15:34:00.001-08:002009-12-10T16:33:33.143-08:00This Week....Choir, Finals, Jury, GuadalupeI spent upwards of 8 hours on choir on Monday starting with rehearsal....more rehearsal (of the dress kind) out in way too far away....some more rehearsal....and then the concert. I didn't get home till 11. Which was great for the papers I needed to write. :/<br /><br /> I wasn't a happy camper for most of it, but there were some lovely highlights. Firstly, hot chocolate. :) Also, it was raining all day and freezing, which was a lovely change of pace...although I'm getting a little tired of it being cold everywhere now....(that's neither here nor there) And most notably, singing the Hallelujah Chorus. I've sung it a gubillion times with family and in various performances over the years, but every time when that music starts and everyone stands up, I can't help but get choked up. It's awesome.<br /><br /> So, now it's finals week. All my remaining finals are on Tuesday...which is weird. It'll be a busy day. I've still got some memorizing to finish up. I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, actually. So...new subject..<br /><br /> The rest of the week will be pretty busy with rehearsal and performances of GUADALUPE: Our Lady of the Roses. A concert Opera by one of the composition professors at ASU. I'm in the Chorus. <br /><br /> It's a really beautiful work. The subject matter is a little weird to me, though. I mean, the virgin Mary is cool and all, but not nearly worship as the mother of God cool. Y'know?<br />But it's an interesting historical/religious drama and it's really gorgeous.<br /><br /> If you can come out and have some money to spend on Opera, we're doing two performances at the Phoenix Art Museum Friday and Sunday at 7:30PM. Tickets are $25 general admission and $15 student tickets.<br /><br />http://www.guadalupecelebration.org/<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/SFB__QEeICc&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/SFB__QEeICc&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-61500928365284806742009-11-27T14:44:00.000-08:002009-11-27T15:12:01.346-08:00...Of Late...Life has been crazy lately. <br /><br />The Roadshow is DONE. Phewff. I wont try to describe the relief. The kids did great! We were completely robbed of the awards we deserved, though. Alas! It was way rough...I was soo soo sick the week and a half preceding it (and during...and for awhile after) so I felt useless for a lot of it. I tried my best. I got yelled at a couple times. Not fun. I'm just glad it's done. I couldn't have done it without my cousin John. He wrote all our music. ORIGINAL music, mind you...which is something no one else in the stake had...and that was not recognized at all. John's a genius, though. The music was and is awesome.<br /><br />I don't think I could survive something like that again, though.<br /><br />Life goes on....<br /><br />I've got a huge group project presentation on Tuesday, I've got tons of absences to take care of from being sick, Lots of stuff to do for Primary (for those who don't know,I'm in the primary presidency in the branch...fyi), and I've got about two weeks to memorize 12 pieces for my double jury coming up....but I've got to get well to do that.<br /><br />In other news, I've been re-connecting with some old friends, which is nice. A little unexpected, but it's good. I just had some moping milkshakes and cookies with a friend. Yes, <span style="font-style: italic;">moping</span> milkshakes and cookies. It was a little delayed, but we needed it from previous individual unpleasant encounters. Mine being, quite obviously, the engagement being called off. <br /><br />It's been a really interesting experience-the aftermath.<br />There are some friends who said we'd talk or that we'd go do something to make me feel better or whatever....and there are friends who did do something. Whether they helped me polish off ice-cream...or pizookie...or cheesecake...or became my new IHOP buddy, or just called and listened. It's just really telling of who your real friends are....So I'm trying to value those friends more highly than I used to. It's good to know they're still there.<br /><br />Also, I'm prioritizing my life again, so if I seem different it's for a reason.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-70941356144164546772009-11-11T10:33:00.000-08:002009-11-11T10:40:27.144-08:00Old NewsIt hasn't gotten much better. Forward motion is a little easier, but not much. Right when I think I'm feeling better something figurative and forceful smacks me in the face. I don't want to be sad anymore.....but it gets to me. <br />I know it's old news now to everyone but me. That bothers me sometimes-Just the insignificance of all of it to everyone. It meant so much to me....but no one else...not even Sam.<br /><br /><br /><br />"Do I feel sadness?<br />Do I feel shame?<br />I'd cover my face now, but all of me has turned to stone<br />Except one thing<br />I can't control<br />Watch it slowly roll down my face<br />Across my lips-<br />The lips you loved<br />Well, stupid me for thinking<br />I was the only one you ever needed."Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-18002032730822315282009-11-05T00:16:00.000-08:002009-11-05T00:19:31.265-08:00Where I am...I feel like doing something rash. The world just isn't going fast enough for me right now. I'd like to skip over this scene and get to where I feel like my life will begin. My life is right here, right now...but I'm not. I don't know where I am, but I'm definitely not here.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-89491392111117360022009-10-30T10:59:00.000-07:002009-10-30T19:00:48.408-07:00TherapyI would really like the time and resources to just go and get out of this for a while. I need time-and I don't have it. I need space-and there isn't any. I need friends that aren't quite there. I'm tired of being sad...and I'd really like to stop...but it's easier said than done. I want to climb mountains and go nowhere fast and live with my pain and think. I'd like to wonder if it goes away or if it really just starts to blend into the rest of me.<br /><br />I don't know how to get over this. I keep getting these ideas that I think for a moment will just make it instantly all better. They wont, of course...but the thoughts are perpetuating the possibility of anything happening in the future...which is something I wasn't sure of...but it's ridiculous. Things like going to IKEA for no reason and riding trains for no reason and eating the world's supply of ice-cream or running till I puke and listening to every song that ever made me happy or sad.<br /><br />I get these really weird feelings now that aren't quite sad....grief maybe..I feel suddenly sick...and truly can't distinguish which part of me to worry about. ....I walk around ASU with a panicked fearful feeling...and I don't know what I'm afraid of...and I don't know how to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm doing isn't working.<br /><br />I'm trying so hard. I'm being good, but never good enough, it seems. I'm poring over my scriptures and marking like a mad-woman and praying and not understanding anything. I was given inspiration. I trusted it. It was right and I knew it... so what happened? That's the great question. Sam's the only one who knows...and he's never going to tell me. How could this turn out so badly? I will never understand it.<br /><br />There were too many things about us...Sometimes it felt like the spirit was screaming, "This is IT!" ...that he was the ONE. I'm still convinced of that-of how it <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">should have been</span>, I mean. That's obviously not the case anymore...but there was so much truth in it. God is no liar...but what could have happened to make those things all lies? I hate not knowing.<br /><br />I will never understand it.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />"I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.<br /><br />I never thought I'd need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much, yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.<br /><br />This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me.<br /><br />Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.<br /><br />Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that's what I let it do.<br /><br />This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.<br /><br />Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused 'cause I spend my solitude with you.<br /><br />Gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.<br /><br />'cause this is my therapy, 'cause you're the only one that's listening to me.<br /><br />This is my therapy, just call it what it is and what we were with a death grip on this life that's in transition. This is my therapy 'cause you won't hear me out and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.<br /><br />This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me."<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tlDWLXt29dU&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tlDWLXt29dU&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-35467407059446121422009-10-29T10:15:00.001-07:002009-10-29T10:22:37.864-07:00I think I'd like my soul back (name that song/artist)So...Operation Existence is failing miserably right now. I can't seem to pick myself up off the floor this time. Probably because part of me doesn't want to...or just doesn't see the point in ever getting up again. <br /><br />I know I'm ridiculous. I know this is the part where I'm supposed to decide that I'm better off without him and that my life has just begun....But I just don't believe that. I wish I could. <br /><br />In a matter of four weeks all the empty places in me were filled up with everything I'd ever wanted. And until now, I didn't really realize those empty places were there at all...but they're back. And now I wish I didn't have to know just how empty I always was.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I want my other half back.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-54599333786110729402009-10-29T09:49:00.000-07:002009-10-29T10:14:56.436-07:00Music for MissingI've been doing too much thinking for my own good... This thinking is usually accompanied by music. These two songs have been following my thoughts around a lot. The first one has lyrics on the video...which I hate...so don't watch it. Just listen. It's better that way.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zPIzZ3B4tHw&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zPIzZ3B4tHw&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />For a time I thought there was a thief among us<br />I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit<br />The smoke, it cleared, and to my disbelief<br />There was no thief<br />'Cause it was me that lost you<br /><br />There was no thief<br />'Cause it was me that lost you<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back</span><br />And I understand why you wouldn't want to<br />I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you<br /><br />And there's just one last thing that I have to say<br />As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made<br />It was cowardice that made me push you away<br />I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me<br /><br /><br />I can't see you<br />Getting used to<br />Living in the midst of your perfection<br />And I'm so lost<br />How can you trust<br />Somewhere the sun is always shining?<br /><br />And there's just one last thing that I have to say<br />As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made<br />It was cowardice that made me push you away<br />I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br />I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...</span><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2HsBZFffxWk&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2HsBZFffxWk&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I'm letting go<br />To see if you'll hold on to me<br />I'm in doubt<br />Of what is thought and what is real<br /><br />In our room<br />Between the shapes I thought I knew<br />A guillotine<br />A pillow with feathers like snow<br /><br />I've come<br />To a listening post beyond your lines<br />I'm all ears<br />To gather clues and look for signs<br /><br />But I can't hear<br />The song you sing while you try to soothe<br />Why are you whispering<br />While the bombs are falling?<br /><br />Go easy on me<br />I can't help what I'm doing<br />Go easy on me<br />Oh, I can't help what I'm doing<br /><br />Hello again<br />I buried you, where have you been?<br />My renegade<br />You came back from the labyrinth<br /><br />Unlike me<br />You've looked for things that could be found<br />And the thread<br />That guides through black times<br /><br />Go easy on me<br />I can't help what I'm doing<br />Go easy on me<br />Oh, I can't help what I'm doing<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">When thoughts<br />Had outnumbered spoken words<br />In the early hours<br />We failed to establish<br />Who was hurt<br />Most </span>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-89196712691474040452009-10-23T22:53:00.000-07:002009-10-23T23:39:11.195-07:00Anxiously UnEngagedSeptember 25th, I met Sam. Our first date was one week later-October 2nd. We were engaged 10 days later. And about ten hours ago he informed me that we are not at all right for each other and that he doesn't really believe we have a connection...<br /><br />and there it ended.<br /><br />What can I say? .....I'm completely crushed.<br />I didn't think I could get hurt any worse than I've already been.<br /><br />.....I stand corrected.<br /><br />I'm so tired of building my life only to get it torn down.<br /><br />I don't want advice. I don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I don't really feel like existing right now. I don't feel like anything right now. I don't want to <span style="font-weight: bold;">be</span> or <span style="font-weight: bold;">do</span> anything. I see very little merit in anything, despite my logical brain's insistence that some things are still okay.<br /><br />I realize just how depressed and depressing this sounds. That is with very good reason...because I am very very depressed. Once again....collapsing on myself like a dying star.<br /><br /><br />I don't know if I could survive another one of these.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />...That's what I say every time. ...but somehow I survive long enough for someone better to show up and more effectively break my heart. The more amazing they are, the more efficient they get at that. I wish I could just call them jerks...but few <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span> are...most are just poor fools like me. They irk me and make me cry...and I love them and pity them.<br /><br /><br /><br />What a horrible day.<br /><br /><br />...and to clarify....this rant requires no comments....but I wouldn't remove your right to give them freely, if you so desire.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-65544219493698633152009-09-24T01:18:00.000-07:002009-09-24T01:20:26.796-07:00Something I Know<span style="font-size:130%;">Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it shouldn't be better.</span>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-43916583794600900312009-09-19T13:20:00.000-07:002009-09-19T13:21:17.283-07:00ChoirImagine being in a choir where there's no director, there are no tenors (yet the tenor section is always strong), you never need to plan dynamics or phrasing because everyone has this sort of mysterious psychic link between them that makes those things instinctive and beautifully unified, aaaaand this choir has the perfect blend due to their almost visceral and immediate reactions and/or anticipations to each others singing...and they just have killer instruments for that. Wouldn't it be great to sing with a group like that?....Well.....Welcome To My Family. :)Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-37520329494102019472009-09-15T01:07:00.000-07:002009-09-15T01:15:10.633-07:00Surprise!I find that if you stuff unpleasant thoughts or feelings far enough back in your mind or low enough in the pit of your stomach you forget about them for a good time. It's like they were never there....But they're quite finicky and can be unearthed suddenly, and by the most random of things. I had an experience like that on Saturday night. It was truly surprising. I really had no idea I felt so strongly about that thing still. ...anyhoo....<br />I'm just glad the only person who saw it was Barbara. (Sorry for being such a mess on Saturday, Barbara!)<br /> Life is (still) good. That's all.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-84282768034923739462009-09-06T01:26:00.000-07:002009-09-06T02:16:30.570-07:00INVALIDOnce upon a time, a computer popped up with a box that told my dear friend Aubrey whatever she was trying to do was "invalid". She piped back at the computer,"YOU're invalid!" I love Aubrey. She is a genius.<br /><br />That is beside the point....but not really.<br /><br />I find myself in a little conundrum. A conundrum that can be summarized, albeit brusquely, in this way: <br />I'm an attention whore, but I don't want to be. <br />By virtue of my birth order, I am especially prone to neediness in this area. I don't wish to be a grumpy, whiney, or an otherwise unagreeable nuisance, but that's what I slip into sometimes. I long to be the kind of self-sufficient, confident person who doesn't need anyone telling them how wonderful they are all the time. <br /><br />In my lessons, my voice teacher and I refer to a set of little men of varying colors with different purposes. Some that ought to be banished and others I could use some more visits from. They are The Green Man, The Yellow Man, and (this one's still up for discussion) the Pink/Purple Man. The Green Man calls your attention to all your faults, every error you commit, etc. The yellow man is a herald of distractions and anti-productivity. The Pink/Purple Man is the guy who just hangs out and strokes your ego, whispering "You're fabulous!" and things of the like.<br />I am never without my Green Man...and I'm hardly seen without my Yellow Man...but my Pink/Purple Man is most often absent.<br /><br />And this leaves me craving praise. Craving validation. And validation is a good thing, but I'd like to be a little more efficient when it comes to regulating and validating my own actions, and myself as a whole...so that I don't end up hailing from planet "look at me! look at me!" Because that's annoying. ..And it's not me. Or at least it's not the me I know I can and should be.<br /><br />When I was nearing the end of my high school career I heard some gossip from a friend of mine. She informed me that one of our choir mates had told her how much he hated me because of how egotistical and conceited I was. Which really confused me...because anyone who knew me knows that I was the kind of person who struggled with self confidence and was very acutely aware of how much better everyone else was than her....So much so that it verged on fiction. That person he was talking about was clearly not me. I was coaxed into singing at first. I really had no idea I was any good at it at all....Until people repeatedly told me so. So when that gossip reached my ears it was crazy to me. How could anyone think I thought myself better or more talented than them?<br /><br />Oddly enough, I find myself in a choir once more with him. I wonder what he will learn about me this time around...<br /><br />Point being...I don't do so well with self building. I need to be a humble self validator. So until further notice, I'll be working on that....and maybe suppressing some attention cravings.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-20279093919591138142009-09-02T00:11:00.000-07:002009-09-02T00:15:59.287-07:00One of many...A song I love:<br /><br /><br />Time to leave this town<br />now your dreams have all let you down,<br />No one here will miss you now,<br />Time to <span style="font-style:italic;">wake up and look around</span>.<br /><br />He used to be a lovely boy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Turn away and turn a head,<br />just a <span style="font-style:italic;">hopeless dreamer</span> she said,<br />Eyes of <span style="font-style:italic;">cloud</span> and feet of <span style="font-style:italic;">lead</span>,<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">find a shore that needs you instead</span>.</span><br /><br />He used to be a lovely boy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Time</span> on your hands,<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">world</span> at your feet,<br />no adventure left incomplete.<br /><br />Find a place where you can hide<br />from the love that holds you inside,<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">time's so unkind</span>,<br />like an old friend leaves you behind.<br /><br />He used to be a lovely boy.<br /><br />Time on your hands...Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-9015535646488351912009-08-31T01:20:00.000-07:002009-08-31T23:13:48.950-07:00Brasil, Portuguese, Bossa Nova: The EX editions.Some musings on some parts of the past I'm not quite "over" yet....<br /><br />I've been wanting to watch Deus É Brasileiro for some time now, but I just haven't had the heart. I watched it only once before, while I was with Paul...Sad thing about making your Brazilian boyfriend your Brazilian EX-boyfriend is that you long for someone to watch and do Brazilian things with...but that ship's sailed...and anything else is a replacement. I guess you have to learn to appreciate some things alone. :(<br />It's a good thing I didn't really get into Bossa Nova a ton while I was with Paul or it would make me sad too. It makes me think, yes.....but it's not a purely Paul thing. My mom started to worry that my foray into Bossa Nova was a sign I wanted him back. .....No. It's not that. Thankfully, it has a distinguished place apart from him. I can't say the same for some other things....It's sad. I really did want to learn Portuguese someday...but now, for me, it's a language connected to a very specific set of feelings I'm not quite ready to face right now. Who's ever had to get over GRAMMAR after a break up?! Ridiculous, right? But that's the reality of it....So it'll have to wait... Although I'm not sure it'll ever be a neutral subject to me, emotionally.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226867299319005689.post-36535029712689774882009-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:002009-08-29T23:09:39.755-07:00I think I'm kind of lonely<pre class="note" style="font-family:arial;"> just an observation..and a quote to go with it.<br /><br />"You seem embarrassed by loneliness-by being alone.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />It’s only a place to start.</span>"<br /><br /><br />Previous quote and source:<br />"This is going to be the best thing we've ever seen."<br />Must Have Done Something Right-Relient K<br />(Five Score and Seven Years Ago)<br /><br />And speaking of quotes...make your guesses and they'll keep<br />coming as they pertain to my life.<br />Like this next one.<br /><br />"Moles and trolls. Moles and trolls. Work, work, work, work, work! We<br />never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all <span style="font-style: italic;">they</span><br />want to do is study.<a id="KonaLink4" target="undefined" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static;" href="http://www.velocityreviews.com/forums/t50995-how-can-recieve-my-mcp-certificate.html#"><span style=";font-family:arial,verdana,geneva,lucida,";font-size:13.3333px;color:#b00000;" ><span class="kLink" style=";font-family:arial,verdana,geneva,lucida,";font-size:13.3333px;color:#b00000;" ></span></span></a> I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm<br />depressed. There was what? No one at the mutant hamster races. We had<br />one entry for the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was<br />disqualified later. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Why do I bother?</span>"<br /><br />These ones should be really easy for a lot of you so make a guess<br />so I don't have to think,"Why do I bother?"<br /></pre>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06330440970438959051noreply@blogger.com0