A Note..

I haven't really stopped running around since I got done with finals. Maybe vacation'll kick in soon. I'm picking up some more hours at the preschool while on break and trying to get around to doing a million things. Primary stuff, School stuff, bleh...anyway... Among other things, I've been contemplating the year that's passed. To be brief, It sucked. That's all there is to it. Boy, I'm glad it's almost over. Don't worry, though. I intend on kicking some serious trash next year. It's a work in progress, though. Hence, Operation Existence.
To be clear, though, this is not a new year's resolution. This is a normal resolution. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. For a lot of reasons... The failure rate, the arbitrary nature of it....I mean, ideally, you should be resolving to change and evolve and get better all the time. Also, this time of year doesn't exactly inspire self improvement for me. It's more of a world improvement time. The summer is when I really get going. Arizona girl, anyone? :P
Time of year note: One thing I love about the Arizona cold is that it really gives me the opportunity to appreciate Sunshine. Nothing feels quite like stepping into Arizona sunshine on a cold day. :)

This Week....Choir, Finals, Jury, Guadalupe

I spent upwards of 8 hours on choir on Monday starting with rehearsal....more rehearsal (of the dress kind) out in way too far away....some more rehearsal....and then the concert. I didn't get home till 11. Which was great for the papers I needed to write. :/

I wasn't a happy camper for most of it, but there were some lovely highlights. Firstly, hot chocolate. :) Also, it was raining all day and freezing, which was a lovely change of pace...although I'm getting a little tired of it being cold everywhere now....(that's neither here nor there) And most notably, singing the Hallelujah Chorus. I've sung it a gubillion times with family and in various performances over the years, but every time when that music starts and everyone stands up, I can't help but get choked up. It's awesome.

So, now it's finals week. All my remaining finals are on Tuesday...which is weird. It'll be a busy day. I've still got some memorizing to finish up. I'm trying not to think about that too much right now, actually. So...new subject..

The rest of the week will be pretty busy with rehearsal and performances of GUADALUPE: Our Lady of the Roses. A concert Opera by one of the composition professors at ASU. I'm in the Chorus.

It's a really beautiful work. The subject matter is a little weird to me, though. I mean, the virgin Mary is cool and all, but not nearly worship as the mother of God cool. Y'know?
But it's an interesting historical/religious drama and it's really gorgeous.

If you can come out and have some money to spend on Opera, we're doing two performances at the Phoenix Art Museum Friday and Sunday at 7:30PM. Tickets are $25 general admission and $15 student tickets.

http://www.guadalupecelebration.org/

...Of Late...

Life has been crazy lately.

The Roadshow is DONE. Phewff. I wont try to describe the relief. The kids did great! We were completely robbed of the awards we deserved, though. Alas! It was way rough...I was soo soo sick the week and a half preceding it (and during...and for awhile after) so I felt useless for a lot of it. I tried my best. I got yelled at a couple times. Not fun. I'm just glad it's done. I couldn't have done it without my cousin John. He wrote all our music. ORIGINAL music, mind you...which is something no one else in the stake had...and that was not recognized at all. John's a genius, though. The music was and is awesome.

I don't think I could survive something like that again, though.

Life goes on....

I've got a huge group project presentation on Tuesday, I've got tons of absences to take care of from being sick, Lots of stuff to do for Primary (for those who don't know,I'm in the primary presidency in the branch...fyi), and I've got about two weeks to memorize 12 pieces for my double jury coming up....but I've got to get well to do that.

In other news, I've been re-connecting with some old friends, which is nice. A little unexpected, but it's good. I just had some moping milkshakes and cookies with a friend. Yes, moping milkshakes and cookies. It was a little delayed, but we needed it from previous individual unpleasant encounters. Mine being, quite obviously, the engagement being called off.

It's been a really interesting experience-the aftermath.
There are some friends who said we'd talk or that we'd go do something to make me feel better or whatever....and there are friends who did do something. Whether they helped me polish off ice-cream...or pizookie...or cheesecake...or became my new IHOP buddy, or just called and listened. It's just really telling of who your real friends are....So I'm trying to value those friends more highly than I used to. It's good to know they're still there.

Also, I'm prioritizing my life again, so if I seem different it's for a reason.

Old News

It hasn't gotten much better. Forward motion is a little easier, but not much. Right when I think I'm feeling better something figurative and forceful smacks me in the face. I don't want to be sad anymore.....but it gets to me.
I know it's old news now to everyone but me. That bothers me sometimes-Just the insignificance of all of it to everyone. It meant so much to me....but no one else...not even Sam.



"Do I feel sadness?
Do I feel shame?
I'd cover my face now, but all of me has turned to stone
Except one thing
I can't control
Watch it slowly roll down my face
Across my lips-
The lips you loved
Well, stupid me for thinking
I was the only one you ever needed."

Where I am...

I feel like doing something rash. The world just isn't going fast enough for me right now. I'd like to skip over this scene and get to where I feel like my life will begin. My life is right here, right now...but I'm not. I don't know where I am, but I'm definitely not here.

Therapy

I would really like the time and resources to just go and get out of this for a while. I need time-and I don't have it. I need space-and there isn't any. I need friends that aren't quite there. I'm tired of being sad...and I'd really like to stop...but it's easier said than done. I want to climb mountains and go nowhere fast and live with my pain and think. I'd like to wonder if it goes away or if it really just starts to blend into the rest of me.

I don't know how to get over this. I keep getting these ideas that I think for a moment will just make it instantly all better. They wont, of course...but the thoughts are perpetuating the possibility of anything happening in the future...which is something I wasn't sure of...but it's ridiculous. Things like going to IKEA for no reason and riding trains for no reason and eating the world's supply of ice-cream or running till I puke and listening to every song that ever made me happy or sad.

I get these really weird feelings now that aren't quite sad....grief maybe..I feel suddenly sick...and truly can't distinguish which part of me to worry about. ....I walk around ASU with a panicked fearful feeling...and I don't know what I'm afraid of...and I don't know how to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm doing isn't working.

I'm trying so hard. I'm being good, but never good enough, it seems. I'm poring over my scriptures and marking like a mad-woman and praying and not understanding anything. I was given inspiration. I trusted it. It was right and I knew it... so what happened? That's the great question. Sam's the only one who knows...and he's never going to tell me. How could this turn out so badly? I will never understand it.

There were too many things about us...Sometimes it felt like the spirit was screaming, "This is IT!" ...that he was the ONE. I'm still convinced of that-of how it should have been, I mean. That's obviously not the case anymore...but there was so much truth in it. God is no liar...but what could have happened to make those things all lies? I hate not knowing.

I will never understand it.









"I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I'd need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much, yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me.

Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that's what I let it do.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused 'cause I spend my solitude with you.

Gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

'cause this is my therapy, 'cause you're the only one that's listening to me.

This is my therapy, just call it what it is and what we were with a death grip on this life that's in transition. This is my therapy 'cause you won't hear me out and that makes God the only one who's left here listening.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy 'cause you won't take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me."

I think I'd like my soul back (name that song/artist)

So...Operation Existence is failing miserably right now. I can't seem to pick myself up off the floor this time. Probably because part of me doesn't want to...or just doesn't see the point in ever getting up again.

I know I'm ridiculous. I know this is the part where I'm supposed to decide that I'm better off without him and that my life has just begun....But I just don't believe that. I wish I could.

In a matter of four weeks all the empty places in me were filled up with everything I'd ever wanted. And until now, I didn't really realize those empty places were there at all...but they're back. And now I wish I didn't have to know just how empty I always was.




I want my other half back.