Music for Missing

I've been doing too much thinking for my own good... This thinking is usually accompanied by music. These two songs have been following my thoughts around a lot. The first one has lyrics on the video...which I hate...so don't watch it. Just listen. It's better that way.



For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke, it cleared, and to my disbelief
There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

There was no thief
'Cause it was me that lost you

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me


I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining?

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...




I'm letting go
To see if you'll hold on to me
I'm in doubt
Of what is thought and what is real

In our room
Between the shapes I thought I knew
A guillotine
A pillow with feathers like snow

I've come
To a listening post beyond your lines
I'm all ears
To gather clues and look for signs

But I can't hear
The song you sing while you try to soothe
Why are you whispering
While the bombs are falling?

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

Hello again
I buried you, where have you been?
My renegade
You came back from the labyrinth

Unlike me
You've looked for things that could be found
And the thread
That guides through black times

Go easy on me
I can't help what I'm doing
Go easy on me
Oh, I can't help what I'm doing

When thoughts
Had outnumbered spoken words
In the early hours
We failed to establish
Who was hurt
Most

Anxiously UnEngaged

September 25th, I met Sam. Our first date was one week later-October 2nd. We were engaged 10 days later. And about ten hours ago he informed me that we are not at all right for each other and that he doesn't really believe we have a connection...

and there it ended.

What can I say? .....I'm completely crushed.
I didn't think I could get hurt any worse than I've already been.

.....I stand corrected.

I'm so tired of building my life only to get it torn down.

I don't want advice. I don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I don't really feel like existing right now. I don't feel like anything right now. I don't want to be or do anything. I see very little merit in anything, despite my logical brain's insistence that some things are still okay.

I realize just how depressed and depressing this sounds. That is with very good reason...because I am very very depressed. Once again....collapsing on myself like a dying star.


I don't know if I could survive another one of these.




...That's what I say every time. ...but somehow I survive long enough for someone better to show up and more effectively break my heart. The more amazing they are, the more efficient they get at that. I wish I could just call them jerks...but few really are...most are just poor fools like me. They irk me and make me cry...and I love them and pity them.



What a horrible day.


...and to clarify....this rant requires no comments....but I wouldn't remove your right to give them freely, if you so desire.

Something I Know

Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it shouldn't be better.

Choir

Imagine being in a choir where there's no director, there are no tenors (yet the tenor section is always strong), you never need to plan dynamics or phrasing because everyone has this sort of mysterious psychic link between them that makes those things instinctive and beautifully unified, aaaaand this choir has the perfect blend due to their almost visceral and immediate reactions and/or anticipations to each others singing...and they just have killer instruments for that. Wouldn't it be great to sing with a group like that?....Well.....Welcome To My Family. :)

Surprise!

I find that if you stuff unpleasant thoughts or feelings far enough back in your mind or low enough in the pit of your stomach you forget about them for a good time. It's like they were never there....But they're quite finicky and can be unearthed suddenly, and by the most random of things. I had an experience like that on Saturday night. It was truly surprising. I really had no idea I felt so strongly about that thing still. ...anyhoo....
I'm just glad the only person who saw it was Barbara. (Sorry for being such a mess on Saturday, Barbara!)
Life is (still) good. That's all.

INVALID

Once upon a time, a computer popped up with a box that told my dear friend Aubrey whatever she was trying to do was "invalid". She piped back at the computer,"YOU're invalid!" I love Aubrey. She is a genius.

That is beside the point....but not really.

I find myself in a little conundrum. A conundrum that can be summarized, albeit brusquely, in this way:
I'm an attention whore, but I don't want to be.
By virtue of my birth order, I am especially prone to neediness in this area. I don't wish to be a grumpy, whiney, or an otherwise unagreeable nuisance, but that's what I slip into sometimes. I long to be the kind of self-sufficient, confident person who doesn't need anyone telling them how wonderful they are all the time.

In my lessons, my voice teacher and I refer to a set of little men of varying colors with different purposes. Some that ought to be banished and others I could use some more visits from. They are The Green Man, The Yellow Man, and (this one's still up for discussion) the Pink/Purple Man. The Green Man calls your attention to all your faults, every error you commit, etc. The yellow man is a herald of distractions and anti-productivity. The Pink/Purple Man is the guy who just hangs out and strokes your ego, whispering "You're fabulous!" and things of the like.
I am never without my Green Man...and I'm hardly seen without my Yellow Man...but my Pink/Purple Man is most often absent.

And this leaves me craving praise. Craving validation. And validation is a good thing, but I'd like to be a little more efficient when it comes to regulating and validating my own actions, and myself as a whole...so that I don't end up hailing from planet "look at me! look at me!" Because that's annoying. ..And it's not me. Or at least it's not the me I know I can and should be.

When I was nearing the end of my high school career I heard some gossip from a friend of mine. She informed me that one of our choir mates had told her how much he hated me because of how egotistical and conceited I was. Which really confused me...because anyone who knew me knows that I was the kind of person who struggled with self confidence and was very acutely aware of how much better everyone else was than her....So much so that it verged on fiction. That person he was talking about was clearly not me. I was coaxed into singing at first. I really had no idea I was any good at it at all....Until people repeatedly told me so. So when that gossip reached my ears it was crazy to me. How could anyone think I thought myself better or more talented than them?

Oddly enough, I find myself in a choir once more with him. I wonder what he will learn about me this time around...

Point being...I don't do so well with self building. I need to be a humble self validator. So until further notice, I'll be working on that....and maybe suppressing some attention cravings.

One of many...

A song I love:


Time to leave this town
now your dreams have all let you down,
No one here will miss you now,
Time to wake up and look around.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Turn away and turn a head,
just a hopeless dreamer she said,
Eyes of cloud and feet of lead,
find a shore that needs you instead.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Time on your hands,
world at your feet,
no adventure left incomplete.

Find a place where you can hide
from the love that holds you inside,
time's so unkind,
like an old friend leaves you behind.

He used to be a lovely boy.

Time on your hands...